Super Frat

Hello, bros.  And welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant is Andy Dick!

When I first stumbled across Andy’s twittering my first thought was “Holy crap, now we can hear his last words just before he kills himself.”  Turns out, Andy got sober.  Good for you Andy.  Let’s see what’s on your mind:

21 hours ago: “there was a point in my career when i had a stalker… http://blog.andydick.com”

Now that you’re sober, can you work on Edward from that clip?  He looks like he just road the train to Cocaine Town.

21 hours ago: “re-writing the daphne aguilera feature film right now. funny stuff.”

Maybe it’s not my place to say and I do really think you’re funny, but can that character sustain 90 minutes?  Remember what happened to Al Franken.  Now look at him.

18 hours ago: “plugging away at my daphne aguilera script. i enjoy my time with that whore. she is a skank after my own heart. i’m gonna get her to tweet!”

Well, at least you’re keeping busy.  Better you write comedy than get coked up and steal a firetruck or something.

18 hours ago: “people in the east making coffee, getting ready for work. almost 4 am here on the west coast and i’m still working…stone cold sober. nice!”

But damn you, Andy.  We can’t enjoy Peet’s Coffee because we don’t have it here.  Thanks for reminding us.

17 hours ago: “my assistant is editing mo collins and i together from last night. will have something blogged soon at http://blog.andydick.com”

Oh, yeah.  Mo Collins is hot and funny.  Put her in the movie.  That should help.

9 hours ago: “i have 9 months sober today. can you believe it? it’s like i’ve been gestating this whole time and i’m ready to be pooped out finally.”

That’s uh…  That’s still good, Andy.  Is that you being funny or you lack of self esteem creeping back?  Maybe a little of both.  Hang in there bro!

9 hours ago: “is red wine good for babies?”

If it’s a French baby.

9 hours ago: “i’ll bet there are so many people out there who are like “F#CK! andy dick’s sober? how could he be doing better than me?… or my mom!?” ha!”

Yeah and how do you have an assistant?  What was she doing while you were drugged up?  Scoring your smack?  Slapping your arm to find a vein?

9 hours ago: “sorry. these last nine months have been trying on me to say the least, and i felt like rubbing it in someone’s face. i’ll try to be gracious”

And here we see Andy checking himself.  Self control like that will keep you from going off the deep end.  Like you did in the Shatner Roast.  Although it was pretty funny.

9 hours ago: “please come over to my blog and help me celebrate! i’ll have clips from last night’s show up soon. http://blog.andydick.com”

You probably should give them this link directly to your channel on atom.

8 hours ago: “last year, i rescued a california desert tortoise. he just came out of his winter hibernation. i think i did too. mine was longer.”

Baby steps, Andy.  You don’t have to be funny right out of the gate.  Relax into it.  Twitter is tricky.  Different kind of pacing.

7 hours ago: “someone just wrote on my blog that my penis will get bigger now that i’ve been sober for so long. i call it my WEAPON OF ASS DESTRUCTION!”

Were you on steroids too?  Oh, wait, that’s the balls.

5 hours ago: “just got back from kinkos. met a twitter follower there in person. i guess this thing is real. 9 months sober today!”

Yeah, and thanks a lot for using up the toner, jerk!

4 hours ago: “gearing up to shoot five more ‘house arrest with andy dick’ this weekend http://tinyurl.com/bugkm7″

That’s funny.  What crime are you going to commit to keep the show going?

4 hours ago: “fun guests this round: bob odenkirk, adam corolla, tom green, steve-o, keegan michael key (and a few surprises)”

I’ll be surprised if Steve-o stays sober as long as you.  Of course, when you staple your ball sack for a living, you probably need a few pills to get through the day.

3 hours ago: “salmon”

Minimalist twitter, very chic.  Is Andy eating salmon?  Enjoying the color?  Is he texting us that there is a sale on monday somewhere?  So much to read in one tiny twittering.

2 hours ago: “and chocolate.”

Now that is a disgusting combo.  I like both fish and the chocolate, but never mix the two.  Maybe if you fed the salmon chocolate until it died, like a veal, it would taste really good.

1 hours ago: “is keeping the virus alive.”

This is becoming a puzzle and making less and less sense.  You didn’t go back to drugs between tweets did you?

1 hours ago: “that came out wrong.”

What came out wrong?

18 minutes ago: “i am clean as a whistle!”

Hmmm, guilty conscience?

Well, I wish you well, Andy.  Remember, if you can’t do cocaine and booze, you can always have sushi and chocolate.  Just don’t mix the two.  And now let’s rate Andy’s twittering.  For Insanity, I give him a 5 (he sounds a little weird, but generally has his shit together) for Mustness I give him a 7 (mainly because he’s famous and it should be interesting to watch him regain his lost ground) and for Style, I’ll give him a 6.  (I think Andy’s in transition, searching for his new personae, which isn’t quite as dickish as the old days.)  That means Andy’s overall score is 6.  Not bad.  I have a feeling once Andy gets his sealegs back, his twitterings will either get more interesting or he’ll be too busy with his movie career to really do it.  Either way, should be worth a peek and his show is kinda cool.