Super Frat

The above picture shows you pretty much the best part of Couples Retreat.  There are some hot girls in it, but that’s about it.  There is no nudity.  The plot is predictable, silly and based on a whole lot of coincidences you won’t overlook by the end.  It feels an awful lot like the kind of movie a group of Hollywood buddies would make as an excuse to spend a few months in paradise, while getting paid obscene amounts of money.  This is what I get for letting my girlfriend—  Sorry, fiance’ now, pick out the movie.  In her defense, there really wasn’t anything else to see and she refused to go see Paranormal Activity.

So, Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn are in it, in kind of a lame, married version of Singles, while Justin Bateman and the hot chicks above all collect a pay check.  Basically, the couples are all friends, one is about to divorce, the husband comes up with the plan to go to the retreat, but can’t afford it unless the other couples go in for a group rate.  There’s the fat guy with the 19 year-old girlfriend, (spoiler) who miraculously meets his wife at the end.  Jon F and the chick from Sex in the City are cheating on each other, but somehow come together in the last ten minutes in a really cliched scene.  Vince is happily married, but has his marriage “tested”, but it’s lame.  And Justin Bateman and that hot chick from Forgetting Sarah Marshall have a loveless marriage because they can’t have kids, but don’t worry, the last ten minutes solves everything.

Also, French guy from The Professional is in this for some reason.  I’m sure it was a nice vacation for all.  Not so nice if you’re sitting in the theater struggling to stay awake.

Here’s a list of things that I would’ve rather done than see Couples Retreat:

eat a sandwich

walk the dog

fall off a ladder

hit myself with a hammer

get mugged

forget where I parked, walk the whole parking lot in the rain

have a milkshake poured down my back

eat a live crab while it pinches the sides of my mouth on the way down

smash all my plates

dance in traffic

take my pulse and announce it to a room full of strangers in a funny accent

I’m sure I can think of other things.  Fortunately for you, Couples Retreat is almost out of the theaters, unfortunately it is bound to be on DVD soon.  Promise your girlfriend (or fiance’) anything and avoid it like the plague, bros.

I give Couples Retreat a 1 out of 10 keggers.