Super Frat

It’s about 3:40pm in my insurance office. My boss is sitting in his office which is just down the hall from my cubicle. I have propped a nearby fire exit door open so Joe can get in. His arrival is imminent as I try one last time to convince him myself.

(I knock sheepishly on the side of his doorway.)

ME: Uh, excuse me, boss? Can I talk to you a minute?

MY BOSS: Sure, what’s this about Tony?

ME: Well, I thought maybe we could revisit the issue of my raise?

MY BOSS: I told you before I can’t give you a raise right now.

ME: I know, but I’ve been here for—

MY BOSS: This is pointless. I told you I can’t give you a raise and asking me against is endangering your chances of getting one in the future.

(I hear Joe enter in the hall. He walks to the door and spots me. I give him a nod.)

MY BOSS: Who is this?

JOE PESCI: Hey, who are you? That’s the question, who are you, sir?

MY BOSS: Do you work here?

JOE PESCI: My employment status is irrelevant in this conversation. We’re here to talk about the raise you’re gonna give to my friend here.

MY BOSS: I’m not giving him a raise. And I’m calling security if you don’t leave.

JOE PESCI: You’re not callin’ nuthin’. We’re havin’ a conversation here.

(Wendy, the hot girl from accounting attempts to deliver a report.)

WENDY: (to my boss) Are you in a meeting?

MY BOSS: No. It’s okay.

(Joe intercepts her, takes the report and guides her back out.)

JOE PESCI: Actually, doll, we’re havin’ a very important conference here. If you could hold all his calls, we’ll be done in a minute.

MY BOSS: Don’t listen to him. I’m— I’m calling security!

JOE PESCI: (to Wendy) We’ll be done in a minute.

(Joe shuts the door and then pulls the cord out of the wall on my boss’s phone. He grabs the receiver out of his hand.)

JOE PESCI: You want security?! I’ll give you some fuckin’ security!

(Joe throws aside the phone and starts hitting my boss with the receiver.)

JOE PESCI: Here! Make a call now! Hello?! Operator?! Hello?!

MY BOSS: Stop it! Ow! Stop it!

JOE PESCI: You give Tony a raise right now!

MY BOSS: You can’t do this!

(Joe breaks the receiver over my boss’s head. He knocks him down and throws Wendy’s report at him. He grabs objects off the top of the desk at random: a stapler, a cup of pens, a desk blotter. They all end up on my boss.)

MY BOSS: Hey! C’mon! Stop! Ow!

JOE PESCI: You gonna give him that fuckin’ raise?! Huh?! Huh?!

MY BOSS: Security!

(Joe picks up the stapler from the floor and puts it against my boss’s hand on the floor.)

JOE PESCI: You want security?! There!

(Joe pounds the stapler. Blood comes out of my boss’s hand and he howls in pain.)

MY BOSS: Stop! Please stop!

JOE PESCI: There! There’s yer fuckin’ security! Ya cheap cocksucker motherfucker! Ya gonna give him a raise?! Huh?! Huh?!

MY BOSS: I can’t!

JOE PESCI: You lyin’ cocksucker! Don’t you lie to me! I’ll staple yer fuckin’ balls! Pull those pants down right now!

(Joe reaches for my boss’s belt, but he finally cracks.)

MY BOSS: Okay! Okay! I’ll give him a raise! I swear!

JOE PESCI: Ten percent?!

MY BOSS: What?!

(Joe pounds the stapler.)

MY BOSS: Owwwww! Okay! Okay! Please! Just stop!

JOE PESCI: Ten percent! You give him ten percent and I don’t want to hear anything about this conversation! Huh?! Cabiche?! I said cabiche?! You understand?!

MY BOSS: Yes! Yes! (sobs)

(Joe gets up, straightens his hair and suit. He unkinks his neck and adjusts his rings.)

JOE PESCI: All right, good then, we have an understanding. Now, I’m sorry for all that unpleasantness, but I didn’t want to do it. You seem like a good guy. Just a little hard headed. Hopefully, I won’t have to come back here. You don’t want me to come back here, right?

MY BOSS: (cowering) No! No, please…

JOE PESCI: All right, good. (to me) Tony, I gotta run. Tell yer grandmother I said, “Hi”, huh?

TONY: Sure, Joe. Thanks a lot.

JOE PESCI: Hey, hey, it was nuthin’, huh. You woulda done the same.

(Joe pats me on the shoulder and slips out of the office. My boss drags himself back to his office chair. There is an uncomfortable silence for a moment.)

TONY: I’m gonna go finish up my report.

(I leave my boss sobbing on the floor of his office. I leave ten minutes early to avoid traffic. My boss doesn’t say anything.)