Super Frat

If your birthday is this week: Forge closer bonds with the ones you love this week, say the stars. Besides, if you give them too much slack on those chains they might be able to get away.

Aries: Business relationships will be somewhat strained today. Don’t worry, this will pass. Your boss is just a prick.

Taurus: This week you will be the one millioneth person to tweet, “I like pancakes!” on Twitter. There is not prize as there is never a prize for being boring and conformist.

Gemini: Today brings you a kind of recognition of who you really are, so maybe you should hide out until your fraternity brothers forgive you for shitting in the bong.

Lemini: Stop whining about killing yourself and do it already. No one likes a quitter.

Cancer: That dry erase board finally comes clean with that new cleanser you bought. That’s easily the most exciting thing that happens to you this week.

Leo: The stars say you will wake up next to someone special. Well, someone in special classes anyway. Just remember to walk her back to the short bus.

Virgo: This week, while in a morning fog, you will attempt to write a phone number on some cold waffles, while microwaving your day planner. Fortunately, it wasn’t your turn to feed the baby.

Libra: Your dog pees on your favorite sneakers again. Turns out, it’s not the training you gave him. He just finds your reaction funny.

Scorpio: Your professor only gives you a C-, either you have to start studying or giving your professor better blowjobs.

Sagittarius: An old friend will surprise you with a visit this week. Try not to be masturbating when they arrive for a change.

Capricorn: Facebook asks you to delete your profile. You’re just bringing everyone else down, dude.

Aquarius: Jonah Hill stares at you through a window while you’re checking out at the supermarket. He chases you to your car, but you mace him and drive away. When you get home, you find a note on your windshield explaining that he accidentally bumped your car with his and wanted to pay for the damages.

Pisces: You will make the last joke about LeBron’s Decision to join the Miami Heat. Better late than never.