Super Frat

If your birthday is this week: You will be living your dreams this week. Unfortunately, it’ll be that dream where you’re naked in the middle of class.

Aries: You will continue to lie to yourself about getting exercise. And no, jogging to the door to pay the pizza man doesn’t count.

Taurus: You will discover the secret to happiness, but then drink too much vodka in celebration.

Gemini: Your attempt to report your pot dealer for giving you “too many stems” to the cops actually works. You meet a much better hook up while you’re sitting in jail.

Lemini: You will fall in love with a stripper who will use you for your money. But the jokes on her! You don’t even like strippers!

Cancer: The stars say, that asshole with the car alarm is you. Please turn it off.

Leo: This week you will have stimulating conversations about controversial topics. Well, the conversations aren’t actually controversial for anyone but you and someone else who smells like ass. Make you should shower more than every other day, Stinky.

Virgo: Two of your favorite hobbies will come together this week. Unfortunately, the hobbies are not throwing anything out and watching that A&E show Hoarders.

Libra: Your attempt to revolutionize children’s cartoons works for a short time this week. Unfortunately, the introduction of the blue guy from the Watchmen in the end of the episode, really turns parents off to your show.

Scorpio: This week, Wikileaks will finally publish those embarrassing photos your genitals. Suck.

Sagittarius: If you are female, you’ll be visiting a male strip club with your friends. If you are male, you’re going to find yourself a new job where you can wave your junk at customers.

Capricorn: This week you will find out that Barnes & Noble do not honor gift cards that you make yourself.

Aquarius: Your barista at Starbucks will give you a cafe mocha latte with tainted milk. Don’t worry, it evens out. She has to clean up the explosive diarrhea you get in the bathroom minutes later.

Pisces: Jon Lovitz will ring your doorbell and run away. Let it go, he has nothing else to do.