Super Frat

If your birthday is this week: Your drinking binge will have unintended consequences. You will forget where you vomited, but remember several days later when you open your briefcase at work.

Aries: You will make love to the clerk a Blockbuster, but only to erase your late fees.

Taurus: You obsession with being a hipster finally jumps the shark when you read Hipster Hitler.

Gemini: You will not win the lottery. Seriously, ever. Throwing your money out the window is more likely to give you a return.

Lemini: The fishsticks in your freezer are going bad. Better to use them before August ’10. Get on it.

Cancer: The band Alien Ant Farm will offer to play at your party this weekend. At first you’ll agree, but when they all start asking for rides from the bus stop you’ll change your mind.

Leo: You’ll be freaked out because your laundry comes out all red and you think it’s the dye in your underwear. Relax. It’s not your clothes. You’ve just been sweating a lot of blood into your clothes recently.

Virgo: This week, a skater will refer to you as “ma’am”. This will really annoy you. Not just because you’re getting old, but because you’re also a dude.

Libra: The stars say, you’ll get mugged by a desperate drag queen. She’ll not only take your money, but that nice top you’re wearing.

Scorpio: You’ll really enjoy sex in the outdoors while camping this week. Unfortunately, that deer will never return your calls or texts.

Sagittarius: Financial issues will dominate your week, Sagittarius. Stay calm. You need to let the ink on the bills dry before you spend them.

Capricorn: The stars say, sex with a relative is a bad idea on most days, Capricorn, but your unnatural attraction to your older uncle is going to make your grandmother’s funeral that much more stressful. Better get really drunk first.

Aquarius: This week, you’re idea to advertise your blog gets you hundreds of hits, but your promise to give every 100th reader free head is really going to slow down your posts.

Pisces: You can stop being paranoid. No one wants to steal pieces of your collection, mainly, because there is virtually no market for antique dildos.