Super Frat

This sketch I wrote back in 1997 as a parody to NYPD Blue. I think it was right around the time I was trying to pitch to SNL for the second or third time. I sort of had an “in” through a friend. I don’t know if anyone ever read it, but it’s a pretty dated sketch now. Still, I think it’s funny, as long as you’ve seen at least one of the show’s referenced. With Darrel Hammond as Yogi, Tim Meadows as Sugar Bear, Jim Brewer as Boo-Boo, Will Ferrell as Ranger Smith. Dennis Franz as a guest, of course.

Jellystone PD Blue
written by: Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 1997

INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT-DAY

The office is much like the set of NYPD Blue. SIPOWITZ sits at his desk in a funk, slaving over boring police reports and sipping almost inedible coffee. The LIEUTENANT comes in and throws a pile on his desk.

LIEUTENANT
Sorry about your partner.

SIPOWITZ
(annoyed)
Yeah, well, it was bound to happen. Good
lookin’ guy like him, surprised he didn’t become
porn star sooner.

LIEUTENANT
Look, you’re obviously upset, maybe this is a
bad time…

SIPOWITZ
No, no, what? What?

LIEUTENANT
(hesitant)
Your new partner’s here.

Sipowitz sighs heavily, letting the air out through his teeth. He thinks for a minute, then decides he can handle this.

SIPOWITZ
Well, he better be better than that last cream puff.
I don’t want to put up with anymore, uh, ya know?

LIEUTENANT
Yeah. Sure.

The Lieutenant gets up and exits.

LIEUTENANT
(exiting)
Okay, he’s ready for ya.

Enter that smarter-than-the-average-bear, YOGI BEAR.

YOGI
(friendly)
Hey, Sipowitz! I think its time, we go fight
some crime! Yea-hi-eee!

BRIEF OPENING MONTAGE This is the same opening montage for NYPD Blue, except its JELLYSTONE PD BLUE.

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY-EVENING

Yogi and Sipowitz enter this run down tenement building. Sipowitz is chewing gum.

YOGI
Hey, Sipowitz, I haven’t seen a puss like these,
since Smokey the Bear ate that hive of bees!
Yea-hi-eee!

SIPOWITZ
Well, to be truthfully honest, I’m not exactly—
Well, impressed with your tactics. Who’s this
informant we’re supposed to meet?

Enter BOO-BOO BEAR. Boo-boo got a goatee, matted fur and a black leather vest. He looks like a cartoon heroine addict.

YOGI
(shocked)
Boo-boo! Where have you been my little forest chum?

BOO-BOO
(whining)
I need my fix, Yogi.

YOGI
You can’t get your fix until you squeal,
That ain’t no part of this bear’s deal!

BOO-BOO
(really whiney)
But they’ll kill me, Yogi.

SIPOWITZ
(interceding, threatening)
Listen, scum bag, I eat bears like you for breakfast.
Now you either make with the bust or you’re gonna
be hibernatin’ a lot longer than everybody else!

BOO-BOO
(sighing)
Okay, they’re in there. But don’t tell them I told you.

YOGI
Don’t worry, my drug-addicted, little pal. This bear,
knows how to scare those low-life drug dealers!

Yogi and Sipowitz pull their guns and burst into the room. They find MR. RANGER and the Post SUGAR BEAR running a major cocaine and heroine factory out of their seedy apartment.

SIPOWITZ
Up against the wall!

YOGI
I can’t believe it! Mr. Ranger, sir, and Sugar Bear!

MR. RANGER
(sweaty, nervous)
N-now guys, this isn’t how it looks.

SUGAR BEAR
(singing)
Can’t get enough that Golden Crisp. It’s got the crunch—

MR. RANGER
(snapping)
Shut up! (to Yogi) C’mon, Yogi, you can overlook this.
We’re old buddies, right?

SIPOWITZ
What’s he talkin’ about?

YOGI
That Mr. Ranger’s no stranger to danger!
He used to be, old Yogi’s ranger!

Mr. Ranger pulls out a picnic basket full of goodies.

MR. RANGER
Well, maybe this will change your mind.

SIPOWITZ
Put that down! Slowly.

YOGI
(nervous)
A pic-a-nic basket?

MR. RANGER
(seductively)
Yeah, that’s right. It’s full of pies and sandwiches
and other goodies. It would be a real shame to let
it go to waste.

Mr. Ranger sets the picnic basket on the floor. Yogi can’t take it anymore. He’s sweating and staring at the basket. He lowers his gun and is about to pounce on it.

SIPOWITZ
Are you crazy? It’s a trick!

Yogi lunges for the basket, Sipowitz holds him back, while Mr. Ranger and Sugar Bear begin to escape.

MR. RANGER
(running)
Grab the money!

Sugar Bear grabs the box of Golden Crisp and runs after him.
SUGAR BEAR
(a little faster)
Can’t-get-enough-that-Golden-Crisp…

SIPOWITZ
You happy now?! You let them get away!

YOGI
I’m sorry, Sipowitz. You see I’m addicted to the
basket of the picnic!

Boo-boo walks into the room and heads for the basket.

BOO-BOO
Yogi? (sees basket) Oh, lunch.

YOGI
No, Boo-boo!

SIPOWITZ
Wait!

Boo-boo opens the basket and it explodes. Yogi runs to Boo-boo and cradles his head.

YOGI
Boo-boo! Speak to me!

BOO-BOO
(dying)
It was all my fault, Yogi. I always loved you.

Yogi looks back at Sipowitz, worried.

BOO-BOO
(adding)
In the “manly bear” sense.

YOGI & SIPOWITZ
(agreeing strongly)
Oh, sure. Right.

Boo-boo dies.

YOGI
(to the heavens)
Noooooooo!!!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. POLICE SHOWERS-DAY

ANNOUNCER (V/O)
Next week on Jellystone PD Blue.

Sipowitz is standing in a towel, while Yogi is taking a shower.

SIPOWITZ
Hey, listen, I’m real sorry ’bout your bear
friend there.

Yogi turns around to wash the other side of himself. His ass is the only part of him that isn’t covered with fur.

YOGI
Don’t worry, Sipowitz. You humans play rougher,
but we bears are tougher! Pass the soap there.

SIPOWITZ
Sure.

Sipowitz goes to pass Yogi the soap and his towel falls off, revealing a big hairy (fake) ass.

SIPOWITZ
Whoops.

INT. MORGUE-DAY

BOO-BOO
(from inside a drawer, whiney)
Yogi? Yogi, it’s dark in here.

ANNOUNCER (V/O)
Next time on Jellystone PD Blue.