Super Frat

If your birthday is this week: Bad news, your loan shark is very punctual. But he will compliment you on finding a really tough hiding spot.

Aries: Your life will be turned into a reality show on Fox. Sadly you will be replaced by Jean-Claude Van Damme and he will be way more interesting.

Taurus: Jesus will appear to you in a grilled cheese sandwich, but while you’re waiting for the newspaper people to arrive, you’ll get hungry and eat him. It’s okay, it’s as God intended.

Gemini: The stars say, face facts. You’re going bald. The good news is, it’s not a factor in getting laid. The bad news is, no one wants to have sex with you because of your horrible personality.

Lemini: You will finally meet the girl of your dreams. Now if you can only stop dreaming about female bodybuilders.

Cancer: Your attempt at being Batman will fail miserably, when you fall through the skylight into the middle of a Mafia don’s meeting. Fortunately, he needs entertainment for his nephew’s birthday on Saturday.

Leo: You will inherit your aunt’s spooky old house. They say it’s haunted, but you can only get it if you agree to spend one night inside. You do and it’s the best night’s sleep you’ve ever gotten. You should probably keep it.

Virgo: The stars say, the answer is four, dumbass. Four. Learn to count.

Libra: Turns out, no one believes your story about your Canadian girlfriend. You’re going to have to show them the video of her going down on you. What choice do you have?

Scorpio: You will get your genitals caught in the hot tub’s intake again. Fortunately, it’s the same paramedics, so there’s no laughing this time.

Sagittarius: Jupiter’s moon is ascending, not descending, this means you’d better clean the class on the observatory telescope if you want to keep your job. Open your eyes, Einstein.

Capricorn: This week, you’ll find out baking a metal file into a cake to help your friend in prison is a bad idea. It’s even worse when you use a microwave.

Aquarius: You’re going to wear that shirt? Really? Oooookay.

Pisces: You will appear in the webcomic strip, Capes & Babes, and it will be awesome.