Super Frat

Hey Bros!

Welcome to another rejected comedy sample. This one also goes back to the 90’s, maybe further. I have a sneaking suspicion that this one was left over from my college days and I rewrote it for my old TV show, The Comic Book Show. (Note the technology references.) We used to do one skit an episode. I imagine Sam Rockwell in the lead. Enjoy!

Mr. Man: Store Detective
Written by Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 1993

INT. GOTHAM RECORD STORE-NIGHT

MANAGER MARTHA and ASSISTANT MANAGER KIM are ringing up the sales of FOUR YOUNG CUSTOMERS. They look hurried and overworked.

KIM
(to customer)
That’ll be 11.95.

Kim rings up the sale, while trying to keep her eye on a SUSPICIOUS LOOKING TEENAGER near the records.

KIM
Martha, I can’t keep up with this.

MARTHA
Don’t worry, they said he’s the
best there is.

KIM
I know, but I don’t think it’s bad
enough that we have to hire a store
detective.

MARTHA
He’s just putting on some street
clothes so he’ll blend in. (calling)
Hello! Mr. Man! Can you come out?
We’re really busy now.

MR. MAN
(from storeroom)
All right.

MR. MAN exits the storeroom of the record store. He is actually Batman, dressed in a heavily armored bat suit, with street clothes over top. His jeans and T-shirt are ripped where the bat suit sticks out and one of the ears on his head gear sticks out of a backward baseball cap. Kim sees him, but Martha has turned away.

KIM
(tapping her on shoulder)
Uh, Martha.

MARTHA
(to customer)
Thank you, have a good night.
(turns and sees him) Oh, God.
What the Hell is that?

ANGLE ON MR. MAN

He is trying to look inconspicuous. He glances at a few records and checks out TWO PRETTY FEMALE CUSTOMERS.

MARTHA
I don’t believe this, he’s supposed
to be so good. Excuse me, Mr. Man.
Mr. Man?

Mr. Man cautiously approaches the counter, keeping an eye on the customers.

MR. MAN
Please, call me “Bat”.

MARTHA
Bat, what is all this?

MR. MAN
(apologetic)
I’m sorry, Martha. It’s just that
I’m not used to working in such
lighted conditions. You know?
Do have any stone gargoyles or
buttresses I can hide behind? Maybe
turn down the lights a little?

MARTHA
Look, all I want you to do is keep
the kids from stealing my records.
Why would I turn off the lights?!

MR. MAN
Okay, okay, I get your point. You
just want me to blend in?

MARTHA
Exactly, stop drawing attention to
yourself.

MR. MAN
No problamo, muchachoes. (laughs to
himself) I got it.

The suspicious looking teenager flips through some cassettes, picks one out, puts it in his coat pocket and runs out of the store. The detection bell at the front of the store goes off.

KIM AND MARTHA
Hey! Stop him! Thief!

MR. MAN
(immediately)
I saw it! I got it.

Mr. Man runs to the display where the record was stolen. He gestures for the other customers to keep away.

MR. MAN
All right, stay clear of this isle!
There’s been a robbery!

Mr. Man pulls a spool of yellow tape and surrounds the display with it. It says, “Batline, do not cross”.

MR. MAN
(taking control)
Okay, okay. After my initial
analysis, I’m going to need
statements from every one of you.

Takes a small container off of his belt and sprays a white powder on the display.

MR. MAN
(explaining)
Right now, what I’m doing is spraying
bat fingerprint powder on the scene.
From this, I should be able to get a
few sets of finger prints and fibers
left by the culprit. I’ll need
your statement too, Martha.

MARTHA
You idiot, you’re supposed to stop them
before they get out of the store! I can’t
afford lab analysis! Now clean that up!

MR. MAN
(disgusted)
Well, sue me for doing my job!

Mr. Man pulls the Batline off of the display. A LITTLE KID enters the store.

LITTLE KID
Hey, Batman!

MR. MAN
(casually)
Hey, kid, how ya doin’?

KIM
(to Mr. Man)
Pssst! (shakes head “no”)

MR. MAN
Oh, uh. I ain’t Batman, kid.
I’m, uh, Michael Keaton’s wardrobe
guy. Don’t tell him you saw with
the costume on, okay?

Martha spots TWO THIEVES pocketing video tapes.

MARTHA
Hey, stop!

Mr. Man leaps into action. He stomps his way over a display of records, leaps onto both culprits and all three crash into another display. The first culprit stays down, but the second gets up with Mr. Man.
Mr. Man expertly hits the thief twice, then deftly kicks him in the face. The thief crashes into another display and Mr. Man retrieves the videotape.

MR. MAN
(proudly hands tape over)
Here ya go.

MARTHA
Get out! Get out! I’d rather
let them steal the records!
Now, get out!

Frightened, Mr Man exits.

KIM
What are we going to do now? Hire
another detective?

MAN
(off camera)
Excuse me, is someone here in trouble?

MARTHA
(without looking up)
No, just get out!

ANGLE ON MAN

It is actually SUPERMAN in full costume. Insulted, he turns around, throws his cape aside and walks out of the store.