Super Frat

If your birthday is this week: Your Civil War reenactment will get out of hand after the Confederates spot a barista in Starbucks that resembles Abe Lincoln.

Aries: The monster you built from reanimated corpses will ask to leave your Rocky Horror Picture Show party early. It will be deeply offended by the movie and spend the rest of the week asking you, “Is that how you see me?!”

Taurus: Make a left. No, I mean right! Right! Right!

Gemini: Sting will come to your house and tell you the lyric, “If you love someone set them free” doesn’t really apply to you because you’re annoying.

Lemini: A bike accident will leave you missing a testicles. This will be bad news for your Organ Bike Messenger Service.

Cancer: Porn jumps the shark for you on Thursday, say the stars. Looks like you bought that six pack of hand lotion for nothing.

Virgo: This week, you’ll barbecue a dirty sock you found in the trash. Maybe you should refill that medication ahead of time.

Libra: You’ll get into a fight with a one-legged man and lose. In your defense, he does manage to wrestle the gun out of your hand.

Scorpio: The stars say, stop practicing sex therapy without a license. And just because you’ll fuck a couple doesn’t necessarily make you a therapist.

Sagittarius: Your car breaks down in a very bad neighborhood. Everyone there looks exactly like Kevin Smith and won’t stop talking about Star Wars.

Capricorn: You will piss yourself laughing at the next DVD movie you watch. Unfortunately, you ruin your friend’s couch and should you really be laughing at Schindler’s List?

Aquarius: This week, you’ll pwn former Vice President Gore on XBox live. He will call you a “little bitch”.

Pisces: The stars say, just because you pee in the sink doesn’t mean you can take a dump there too.