Super Frat

Instructo’s was originally written as part of a bigger sketch show, which would have segway characters moving in and out.  (Thus the ending, right into the next sketch.)  I’ve actually used this one as a sample recently, but with Kinko’s fading away or at least, not being as visible as it used to be, I may have to retire this one soon.  Still, I think the part about pagan gods holds up.  Let’s take a look at my imaginary cast!

CHAD, if I had to cast it, would be played by Nick Swardson, who’d be perfect for it.

MS. BOVINE, I’d have to go with Kathey Kinney from the Drew Carey Show.

Christina Applegate as the Goddess Bil.

Kristen Schaal as the Goddess Gefjon.

Olivia Munn as the Goddess Freyja.

John Oliver as the God Delling.

Rob Riggle as the God Ulle.

Got those all in your head? All right, here we go:

Instructo’s

Copyright 2000

written by Tony DiGerolamo

INT.  INSTRUCTO’S-DAY

Instructo’s is like Kinkos, except all they do is print instructions for products and businesses.  Working amidst the copiers and the graphics equipment is CHAD RAGNAROK.  A clerk with many piercings and tattoos of pagan stuff.  His supervisor, MS. BOVINE (pronounced Boveen), is a nebbish woman in her mid-30’s.  She is impeccably dressed and carries a clipboard.  She approaches Chad, who is working on his latest assignment.

MS. BOVINE

Chad, I need to speak with you.

CHAD

(condescending, hostile)

All right, but I gotta stop workin’ while

you talk to me and that doesn’t count as

a break.

MS. BOVINE

(trying to be diplomatic)

Okay.  How ‘bout, you keep working

while I talk and you can stop if you have

any questions, ‘kay?

CHAD

Whatever you say, (gesturing quotes) “mas’sir”.

MS. BOVINE

Ya know, Chad, one of the reasons Instructo’s

has become the 13th largest chain in the state

is because of the pride its employees have in

its work.  Printing instructions for people is

important work, Chad.  Ya know?

CHAD

(reluctantly agreeing)

Yeah.

MS. BOVINE

Chad, I don’t want to discourage you or create

a negative situation, but do you think you’ve been

applying yourself as hard as you can towards your

work?

CHAD

(pointing out)

I could if you stop interrupting me.

MS. BOVINE

Point taken, point taken.  And now, let me be

blunt for a second here.  We’ve gotten some rather

harsh suggestions from some of the customers.

CHAD

Pfft, and you’re gonna take their word over mine?

Typical pagan bias.  Just because I’m a pagan and

they’re not!  (daring her)  Go ahead, tell me about

(gestures quotes) “the complaints”.

MS. BOVINE

Well, I told you before, you have to proofread

these instructions very carefully.  (checks clipboard)

The stapler people called first…

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE-DAY

A PERSON IN OFFICE prepares to use a stapler.  The person reads the instructions, puts the papers in the stapler, then the hand, then punches down the stapler.

PERSON IN OFFICE

(in pain)

AHHHHHHHH!!!

BACK TO SCENE

ANGLE ON MS. BOVINE

MS. BOVINE (CONT’D)

…the condom people were very upset…

CUT TO

INT. BEDROOM-NIGHT

A MAN and WOMAN are having sex, doggie style.  TILT UP from the woman enjoying herself, to the man.  He’s the got the condom on his nose.

MAN & WOMAN

(adlib sex sounds)

BACK TO SCENE

ANGLE ON MS. BOVINE

MS. BOVINE (CONT’D)

…the typos on the chopstick instructions were

blatant…

CUT TO:

INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT-DAY

SEVERAL PATRONS are using chopsticks all wrong.  They have them in the ears, eyes, nose, etc.  A SCREAMING PATRON runs across the camera’s view, his chopsticks imbedded through his forehead.

PATRONS

(in pain)

Oh, God!  Ahh!  Oooh!  Help me!  (etc.)

BACK TO SCENE

ANGLE ON MS. BOVINE

MS. BOVINE

…And the restaurants are absolutely livid

over that Heimlich Maneuver Chart.

CUT TO:

INT. SAME CHINESE RESTAURANT-DAY

Amidst  the chaos, a CHOKING MAN stands up from his meal.  He holds his throat and looks like he’s suffocating.  His DATE immediately realizes what is happening.  She goes to the Heimlich Maneuver Chart, scans it for a few seconds, kneels down in front of him and punches him in the crotch.  He folds forward and throws up on the back of her head.

BACK TO SCENE

ANGLE ON CHAD AND MS. BOVINE

MS. BOVINE

Now, I think you’ll admit, I put up with

a lot of your shenanigans in the past…

CHAD

(outraged)

Shenanigans?!  You’re talking about my

Holy Days!  Halloween is like Christmas

to someone like me, Ms. Bovine.

MS. BOVINE

(correcting)

Boveen, Ms. Boveen.  Now, Chad, you

have to make a decision.  Are you going

to stand straight and fly right?  Or, are

you going to get fired?  It’s up to you.

Ms. Bovine walks away.  Chad watches her go and then things to himself.  Suddenly, BIL the Norse Goddess of Weaving appears.  She’s weaving a basket.

BIL

Chad, don’t listen to her.  Weave a basket.

CHAD

Who are you?

BIL

I’m the Norse goddess Bil, Goddess of

Weaving.  It actually means “weaving your

own destiny” but, ya know…

Appearing to Chad’s other side if GEFJON goddess of virgins.

GEFJON

(insisting)

Chad, don’t listen to her.  Stay chaste.

CHAD

(confused, annoyed)

What?

GEFJON

Hi.  Gefjon, goddess of virgins.

CHAD

(annoyed)

I’m not a virgin.

GEFJON

That’s all I got.

CHAD

Shouldn’t one of you be good and the

other be evil?

The Goddesses laugh.

BIL

Nah, c’mon.  That’s what the Christians do.

Angel-devil thing.

GEFJON

Yeah, with pagans, you get a choice for

each god.

CHAD

(understanding)

Oh.  Well, look, my problem really doesn’t

involve baskets or virgins.  I have to decide

if I want to keep this job or tell off my

supervisor.

Enter FREYJA, goddess of sex, fertility, war, and wealth.

FREYJA
Chad.  Fuck her.

CHAD

(disgusted)

Ehhh!

FREYJA

It’s either that or fight her.  (to other goddesses)

Hi, Freyja, goddess of sex, fertility, war and

wealth.  (shakes hands, almost forgetting)

Oh yeah, and ask for raise.

BIL

(winking to Chad)

Basket.

GEFJON

Anything but the fucking is fine with me.

CHAD

(outraged)

This is the kind of advice I get for being a

pagan?  I don’t even know some of these

gods!

Enter DELLING, God of Dawn.

DELLING

Hello, Chad.  Delling, God of the Dawn.

(checks watch)  I think you should wait

about…six hours.

CHAD

For what?

DELLING

I don’t know.  Then it’ll be dawn and the

lighting will be really cool.

FREYJA

(asking Delling)

What if he fucks her at dawn?

BIL

(adding)

In a basket.

GEFJON

(reminding)

I can’t agree with that!  Odin!  No one

ever listens to me!

CHAD

Hold it!

Enter ULIE, Avatar for ULL, god of the hunt, archery and skiers.

ULIE

(suave)

I am Ull, god of hunt, archery and

skiers.  Let’s hit the slopes, Chad!

FREYJA

Now, this isn’t fair!  He’s always pushing

the skiing part and leaves out the other

two!

BIL

Hey, all I got is the damn baskets!

The gods begin to argue loudly.

CHAD

Hey!  This isn’t helping!  Hey!

DELLING

(checking watch, threatening)

In five and a half hours, I’m gonna kick

some ass in here!

While Chad tries to get the gods in line, JOHN enters with a set of instructions to copy.  He sees the chaos, changes his mind and exits.