Your Fratoscope: January 23, 2011
on January 23, 2011 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: The stars say you will have 99 problems, but a bitch won’t be one.
Aries: This week, the mailmen you’ve locked in your basement will finally escape, except the one that truly loves you.
Taurus: Your business plan finally starts coming to fruition. Now if only you can find a buyer for your product in the Soiled Mattress Emporium.
Gemini: You’ll lose your job, but on the bright side, you’ll finally have time to catch up on reading your twitter feed and realize how full of shit people are.
Lemini: Chin up buckeroo! The stars say you’ve had some setbacks and things look grim, but just when they look their darkest— Oh, wait, wrong sign. Give it up, you’re fucked.
Cancer: This week, your shrine to Mark Wahlberg will collapse causing you to re-evaluate your life and how you spend your time. It will be much more efficient to build several smaller shrines than one big one.
Leo: You’ll have the soup. Excellent choice.
Virgo: The stars say your romantic endeavors finally start to pay off, as your dating profile gets way more many emails this week. It just goes to show that your photoshopping skills are getting better and better.
Libra: You’ll bitchslap your boss during an important meeting. Fortunately, you work for a pimp, so that promotion is yours!
Scorpio: Your Craiglist ad for a skydiving continues to attract the wrong people. Maybe you shouldn’t abbreviate the words “jump off” in the phrase, “Parachuting off a cliff this Saturday, looking to j.o. with a new friend”.
Sagittarius: A valet will come back with your car all smashed up. He’ll then do a double take and go, “Oh, wait. You’re not Johnny Knoxville.”
Capricorn: You’ll be so totally high when you read this, you’ll giggle uncontrollably for several minutes and then laugh during the week ahead every time you think of this.
Aquarius: The mobster that put you in the trunk will forget about you, but his wife lets you out after a trip to the grocery store. Don’t be a dick. Help with her bags.
Pisces: You’ll win a lifetime supply of free contest entries and nothing else ever.
