Super Frat

This piece was actually an accepted piece that was on the now defunct website parenthetical note.  I even got to do a reading of it in a coffee house.  It was all very hipster at the time.  Enjoy!

Why I Hate ATA
Copyright 2003
by Tony DiGerolamo

Yes.
No.
No.
Yes.
Maybe.
No.
Yes.
I am sitting in Gate 6 of Chicago’s airport. I’m not sure which one. I didn’t want to go to Chicago.
No.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Eh, maybe.
No!
Uh-uh.
I should be in Philadelphia, in a car, on my way back to New Jersey, but instead, I’ve had to endure a 19 1/2 hour flight-around-the-country because ATA decided they couldn’t deliver on the flight I originally bought.
No.
No.
Yes.
Yes.
No.
Hmmm. No.
Yes!
Oh, yeah!
I had it timed perfectly. Leave my comfortable hotel in Las Vegas at 9 pm, arrive at the airport by 9:30, on the plane by 10:30 and sleep until Philly at 5 am. Sure, it’s a redeye, but I was prepared for that.
No.
Yes.
But not this.
No.
Nooooo.
Ew, no.
19 1/2 fucking hours! First I stand in a fucking line for a fucking hour to be told there’s no fucking plane that I bought a fucking ticket for! Then, my choice is to go back to the hotel until tomorrow or take this fucking flight to Detroit, then to Chicago (where I get to stay in the airport for six hours) then on the plane to Philly.
Yes.
No!
Yes!
God, yes.
Didn’t the people at ATA take geography? Can’t they read a map? Detroit is past Chicago! Why go back to Chicago?!
Yes.
No.
No.
Whoa. No.
Yes.
19 1/2 hours. I could almost drive. I could almost fuckin’ drive.
Yes.
Yes.
Probably.
No.
So now I’m slouched in an airport chair, too tired to read, too tired to eat— Unable to sleep because the airport made sure of that. But what really burns me is not that the airline switch me around like this.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
Is that, I’m so tired, since I’ve been up since the day before (a total wake time of 33 1/2 hours). ATA has reduced me to an animal.
No.
Yes.
Maybe.
Eh, sure. Why not?
No.
I am a fucking animal now. Reduced to one urge. All I can do is sit in this chair and watch women go by and decide whether or not I would fuck them.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
Yes.
Probably.
Perhaps.
No way!
ATA has done worse that make me miss my plane.
No.
Yes!
They’ve turned me into something, less than human.
Uh-uh.
Mmm, hmm!
And for that, I will never forgive. Never.
Yes!
Hmm, if she’s 18.
Yuck. No.
Mmm, imagine those two. Yeah.
Yes.
No.
Yes.