Super Frat

If your birthday is this week: Stop celebrating. It’s Memorial Day, you selfish a-hole. People died!

Aries: You nude Memorial Day cookout will be under attended, probably because you didn’t manscape.

Taurus: The stars say, God damn its hot. You’ll be sweating your balls off if you go outside, that much the stars know.

Gemini: A friend will return a favor. Guess you should’ve never borrowed that bucket of goat shit.

Lemini: This week, you’ll have sex with your crazy ex girlfriend. That’ll seem like a good idea until her PTSD kicks in.

Cancer: The stars don’t want to ruin the surprise, but buckle your seatbelt this week.

Leo: You won’t win the TV cooking show, but the oven explosion you cause makes it the highest rated episode ever.

Virgo: You will discover why it’s a bad idea to drink before driving a float in a Memorial Day parade.

Libra: This week, Starbucks will name a coffee after you. It’s called, Mocha Douchecino.

Scorpio: You will support the troops in your own way. Mostly by have sex with them.

Sagittarius: You will support the troops in your own way. Mostly by making them pudding.

Capricorn: You won’t support the troops at all, will ya, Commie?

Aquarius: This week, you’ll get a haircut so bad it will scare small pets and children.

Pisces: You’ll have a very boring week, except when the meteor hits.