Your Fratoscope: June 13, 2011
on June 12, 2011 at 12:45 amIf your birthday is this week: Your attempt to privatize sidewalks in your town backfires. Now you can’t walk down your street without buying a Happy Meal.
Aries: You will have a dream that your girlfriend’s breast implants play music. When you awaken, you will find that you’ve given your radio alarm clock a brumpski.
Taurus: You’ll get really high this week and stuff your roommate’s Blu Ray player with cheese.
Gemini: You’ll find Wolf Blitzer sitting in the back seat of your car. When you turn down his offer of spooning, he’ll jump out and run away.
Lemini: You will buy a really ugly shirt this week. Unfortunately, it will go great with the rest of your wardrobe.
Cancer: The stars say, there is no “acceptable” amount of rabbit feces to bake into chocolate chip cookies and it’s probably a bad idea to eat them just to “prove” you’re a good baker.
Leo: Your Cancer roommate steals your bag of rabbit feces. You’ll have to start over collecting it next week.
Virgo: Your Japanese tattoo looks cool, but you’ll find out it actually means “Pig Fucker”.
Libra: This week, the Aquarium will throw you out. Turns out, giving massages to the exhibits creeps everyone out.
Scorpio: Having sex with the Chinese food deliverer because you forget to go to the ATM is getting old, even for them. This time he brings a whip and a feather along with your General Tso’s.
Sagittarius: Your car won’t be too damaged from the accident this week, however, your mechanic will have a hard time prying the dead clowns from your grill.
Capricorn: The stars say, you will cut a fart that’s so nasty during your poker game, everyone folds to get away from you. Nice.
Aquarius: The stars say, stop drinking colored food die if you want your poop to come out blue. You can just eat a lot of blueberries you weirdo.
Pisces: Your amateur porno doesn’t go over well. Turns out, you need other people in it.