Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:   Your Popsicle fetish is uncovered during a routine examination at your doctor.  Sadly, you have no good excuse as to why your genitals are red, purple and green.

Aries:   You next Internet date will jump the gun by talking about condoms before saying “Hello”.

Taurus:   You Chinese Fortune Cookie will be wildly inaccurate.  Your real lucky numbers are 4, 15, 22, 34, 44 and 46.

Gemini:   You computer upgrade will be more expensive than you think.  After booting the system, the computer will insist that you start dressing better.

Lemini:   Lady Gaga will return one of your hats saying that it’s too ugly for her to wear.

Cancer:   The stars say you don’t want to eat that cheese.  Seriously, how long as it been in the fridge?

Leo:   Your new therapist will conduct your sessions from behind bullet proof glass.  Maybe you are hostile to new people.

Virgo:   Jesus Christ, Virgo, go!  The light is green!

Libra:   This week, opportunity knocks again.  Try not to be masturbating this time.

Scorpio:  You will have sex with a particularly ugly bellboy because you’re too lazy to carry your own bags.  

Sagittarius:   The stars say, that free “massage” will turn into a mugging, but somehow, you’ll have a happy ending anyway.

Capricorn:  You will be ejected from a touch football game for being too sensual.

Aquarius:   You will accuse the car wash guys of being in Al Queda in an attempt to get a free air freshener.  No dice.

Pisces:   The stars say, the ghost of Michael Jackson will continue to haunt you and keep asking you to put on Nickelodeon.