Rewritten News: The Dow Jones to Anonymous
on February 4, 2012 at 12:01 am
It’s time for the Rewritten News. News as fresh as today’s headlines and as edited as David Mamet play on network television.
Real: Dow Logs Close Highest Since of May of 2008
Rewritten: Rich People Nearly as Rich as They Were in 2008, Probably Richer
Real: Justice Dept, FBI Say Interest in Online Privacy an “Indicator” of Terrorism
Rewritten: Justice Dept, FBI Too Lazy to Chase Actual Terrorist, Want to Hang Out at Starbucks All Day
Real: Stevens Portrait Unveiled at Alaska Museum
Rewritten: Alaska Wastes $11,000 on Monument to Old Man Who Didn’t Understand Internet
Real: Knicks Come Up Short in Loss to Celtics
Rewritten: Sports Writer Takes Too Long to Say, “Knicks Lose to Celtics”
Real: Space Voyages Shouldn’t Become Politically Incorrect
Rewritten: Bill Maher Banned From Space Travel
Real: Sexually Transmitted Disease Increasing Amongst Post-50’s
Rewritten: Old People Doin’ It
Real: Hackers Listen as FBI Talks to Scotland Yard
Rewritten: Teenagers Able to Work Technology Better Than Older People
I’d be happy if Bill Maher lived on another planet.
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