Super Frat

And now our Rewritten News team brings you today’s top stories the way you like it.  Honest.  Hard-hitting.  Tactless.  This is the Rewritten News!

Real: Santorum Finds Home Turf Lucrative

Rewritten: People in Pennsylvania May Not Be Getting Enough Oxygen

Real: Awkward Panda Romance Ends Without Success

Rewritten: Pandas Have Yet to Discover Alcohol Benefits

Real: Whom Should Mitt Romney Pick As His Running Mate?

Rewritten: GOP Mulls Over Potential Political Sacrificial Lamb

Real: Government Freezes GM CEO’s Pay

Rewritten: Millionaire Puts Ivory Back Scratcher Purchase on Hold

Real: Tiger Woods Has a Meltdown on the 16, Shoots 75 at Masters

Rewritten: Tiger Woods Shitty’s Score Still Better Than Yours

Real: President Obama Reaches Out to Female Voters

Rewritten: President Obama to Use Handsomeness to Get Reelected

Real: Kim Kardashian, Kanye West Go On a Date

Rewritten: Kim Kardashian Meets Future Ex-Husband

Real: Salmonella Outbreak Infections on the Rise

Rewritten: White Castle Advertising Probably Working Better Than Once Thought