Twitter in Focus: Artie Johann
on June 20, 2012 at 12:01 amHey Bros!
Welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die. Today’s contestant is writer of Family Guy, Artie Johann. Funny writer: will his tweets stack up? Let’s find out.
June 8th: “A Sound That May Play On Loop In Hell: The first pull from a roll of duct tape.”
Unless you’re a serial killer, in which case that’s probably a pleasant sound.
June 8th: “No race of people points curiously into the sky better than Asians.”
According to Godzilla movies, but I think it’s mostly CGI.
June 9th: “A lot of people who aren’t deaf look deaf.”
That sounds like a rejected Family Guy joke.
June 9th: “All some people have are Dave Mathews concerts.”
That’s sad. Except for that one good song. The fans of Nickelback don’t even have that.
June 10th: “Someone needs to tell college girls that shaving their pussy doesn’t count as working out.”
I don’t know, that’s a close call. Most should video tape and post it on the Internet so unbiased people can judge.
June 11th: “Some people are pretty fucking proud of cherries.”
It is tough to grow those fucking trees.
June 12th: “I feel like most philosophical journeys end up with jerking off and going to sleep early.”
Assuming you can find some video of pussy shaving.
June 12th: “I will out wrestle any grandmother.”
I dunno, Sarah Palin would be kinda tough.
June 13th: “When you’re hungry it’s fun to sing “Cheese Enchilada” to the tune of “Smooth Operator”.”
Oo, that works. Now I’m hungry.
June 13th: “Who gets in trouble if your friend’s cat scratches your dick? The cat or you?”
You are responsible for the cat.
June 14th: “If you go for a jog and don’t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?”
No. This is why the Jogville game never took off.
June 15th: “As a houseguest, it’s considered rude to not wipe your butt on their bed.”
That is totally a Peter Griffin move.
June 15th: “A lot of assholes love their lawn mower.”
Yeah, I never enjoyed King of the Hill either.
June 16th: “Please pray for all the uncles out there who suffer from the horrible disease called “All Caps Texting.””
We have a lot of virtual screaming to do.
June 16th: “It’s weird when bands wear shorts.”
Yeah, especially when it’s the Rolling Stones. You don’t want to see that much gray body hair.
June 17th: “Found the best cure for a hangover: murder everyone you meet for one day.”
As long as you murder them quietly.
June 17th: “Found the best cure for a hangover: go to a stranger’s funeral.”
It would be quiet.
June 17th: “Found the best cure for a hangover: cum forever.”
Wow, how did you find THAT out?
June 17th: “Found the best cure for a hangover: start a series of small fires.”
You can combine this one with the first one.
June 18th: “Somebody should make a documentary about injustice.”
Yeah! Wait a minute…
June 18th: “No one will ever be as tired as dads waking up from naps.”
It’s true. It’s where they get extra REM.
3 hours ago: “My favorite way to shit is by exercising.”
Yeah, but it makes for a very stinky treadmill.
Okay, let’s rate Artie’s tweets. He’s working it hard. Gotta give him credit. I certainly see the Family Guy style in his tweets. I give him 8 for Mustness, 9 for Insanity and 10 for Style. That’s an overall score of 9. Artie’s at the top of his game, bros. Follow him.
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