Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:   You will discover that the “seeds” in the bottom of your iced tea are actually rat turds.  Happy birthday!

Aries:   You will notice a significant decline in the quality of your cellphone conversations on the toilet.

Taurus:   You will discover that your bong will not get your fish high, but the bong water will kill it.

Gemini:   This week, you’ll see some great fireworks…when a stray rocket comes through your kitchen window.

Lemini:  Your wedding toast does not go as planned and you’re later forced to bail the bride out of jail.

Cancer:  You video game avatar sends you a resignation letter via email.  It’s just not working out fat fingers.

Leo:  You will find out that if you drink ten 5-hour Energies, you won’t stay up for 50 hours.  It will just feel that way until your heart attack.

Virgo:  You will be kicked out the hipster club.  Several hipsters will hold you down and ironically shave off your beard.

Libra:   The stars say, you will be forced to appear in a Quinzo’s commercial against your will.

Scorpio:  Your solar powered sex toy is a huge success except for the many complaints of sunburned genitals.

Sagittarius:   You will discover that you have not seen the movie Ted.  You just got high and watched reruns of Family Guy on adultswim.

Capricorn:  Linda Hamilton will bust into your house and demand you train for the coming war against machines.  After two weeks, she realizes she got the wrong address and leaves.

Aquarius:  You will discover that your Pinterest account is unpinteresting.

Pisces:   You will be carjacked by Tucan Sam.  Just give him the keys.