Super Frat

Man, this one is old!  This must’ve been one of my earliest sketches, because I was still writing unnecessary stage direction about where to point the microphone.  Although it’s interesting to note that it mentions terrorism and airports in 1995.  Can’t remember what inspired that.  Must’ve been my first pseudo-political comment in a sketch.  I think a lot of this would rely on visuals and delivery, so use your imagination.  I’m thinking like the cast of Parks and Rec in some of these roles.

Airport Security Sketch
written by Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 1995

EXT. TALUC AIRPORT-DAY

LISA URBINE, newsreporter, is doing a package on airport security.  She is dressed in a smart business suit and carrying her microphone and clipboard of papers.  The entire sketch is shot from her CAMERAPERSON’s camera.

LISA
(smiling)
Good evening, this is Lisa Urbine
reporting to you from Taluc airport.
This week, my report is on airport
safety.  Is it safe in the sky,
so you can fly?

ANGLE ON RALPH HAWKINS

RALPH HAWKINS is sitting in his office.  He is the Security manager at Taluc.  Lisa stands just off camera, holding her microphone.

LISA
(v/o)
We spoke with Ralph Hawkins,
Security manager at Taluc.

KEY:  Ralph Hawkins, Security manager at Taluc.

RALPH
Well, I think most airports in general
and Taluc in particular, are generally
safe.  Uh.  Two years ago we installed
metal detectors.  Uh.  Last year we hired
security guards and maintenance people.

ANGLE ON LISA

She points the microphone to herself.

LISA
With the recent bombings and airplane
disasters, what sort of policy has Taluc
initiated to increase safety?

Lisa points the microphone back at Ralph.

ANGLE ON RALPH

RALPH
Uh.  Well, for a long time, Taluc has
had a standing policy of no helicopters.
Uh.  This allows us to concentrate on
the back and forth traffic, rather than
the up and down.  Uh.

ANGLE ON KEN YATES

KEN is a baggage handler in the airport.  In the background, the luggage machine is automatically unloading suitcase.

KEY: Ken Yates, baggage handler

KEN
Y’know, I don’t have much `cause
to fly, but I think things here
are basically safe. (smiles into
camera)

ANGLE ON YORLO FIGIT

YORLO is the greasy, head airplane mechanic.  He is standing near a table full of tools.

KEY:  Yorlo Figit, head mechanic

SFX: (in background)  Loud plane maintenance.

YORLO
(Swedish accent)
Yah, yah, we fixen ze planes, yah.

LISA
(off camera)
Yes, but are they safe?

The noise in the background gets louder.

YORLO
(over noise)
Oh, yah, yah.  We fixen good!

LISA
(over noise)
What I mean is, is the hangar secure
from terrorists?!

The noise becomes almost unbearable as the sounds of metal pieces falling off a plane can be heard striking the ground.

YORLO
(shouting to off camera)
No!  No!  Dropen ze rotors!

ANGLE ON LISA

Lisa is back outside, in front of the airport again.

LISA
But while we were told that Taluc is
running smoothly, not all the employees
here agreed.

INT. AIRPORT BAGGAGE X-RAY-DAY

MABLE HARNESS is sitting in front of a monitor which shows the x-rays of suitcase as they pass through the machine.  Unfortunately, Mable is watching Lisa’s camera and not paying attention.  There is also a line of people walking through the metal detector.  Mable is in her early 60’s.
KEY:  Mable Harness, baggage security

MABLE
(gossiping)
Well, if you ask me, I think the
security around here is terrible.
We have a policy of no extra food
being allowed on domestic flights.

A suitcase containing bags of cocaine, pills and hypodermic needles rolls by Mable’s monitor with some other suitcases without notice.

MABLE (CONT’D)
(pretending to be shocked)
Anyway, this young man of colored
persuasion tried to walk through with
a bagged lunch he bought from the
terminal snack bar.

Another normal suitcase goes by and then one full of guns.  A MAN DRESSED IN ARMY KHAKIS walks through the metal detector and waits for HIS FRIEND.

MABLE (CONT’D)
Well, I said he couldn’t bring it on
the plane.  Tch.  He got all excited
and said he would, so I called security.

His friend, also in army fatigues, sets off the metal detector when he walks through.  Mable hears the beep and turns around.

MABLE
(To his friend)
I’m sorry, sir.  You’ll have to empty
your pockets and walk through again.

His friend walks back through the detector and Mable turns around.  The first man gets and idea.

MABLE
(to Lisa)
Anyway, Mr. Jamal from security, not
the nicest security guard, came down
and (insulted) said I was making a
federal case out of nothing.

The first man glances at Mable, then gestures for his friend to throw something.  The first man then catches a large rifle that his friend has thrown over the metal detector.  His friend walks through and doesn’t set off the alarm.  Finally, as Mable finishes her story, several suitcases of guns, drugs and ammo pass through, including a suitcase containing only a cartoonish-looking, round bomb with a lit fuse.

MABLE (CONT’D)
(sneering)
Which just figures.  So he got on
the plane.  If I were running things,
it would be different world.

ANGLE ON GAIL CARTIGAN

GAIL is a cropduster pilot.  He wears a baseball hat, flannel shirt and dusty jeans.

GAIL
I’ve been cropdustin’ for thirteen
years with no problems, thank the Lord.
And I tell ya, right now, I don’t let
no P.L.O or (mispronounces) Is-lam-mac
Jee-had on my plane.  No, sir.  (pause)
And no women.

ANGLE ON KEN

Ken is still standing near the baggage claim machine.

KEN
It’s hard to be one-hundred percent
sure of anything.

In the background, a coffin rolls onto the baggage claim with the luggage.  SEVERAL INJURED PASSENGERS begin to pick up their luggage.  Another coffin comes through and then suitcases that are damaged by fire or still aflame.

KEN
I used to work for Kennedy and they
said nothing would ever happen there.
It didn’t, but I’m sure if I stayed
there would have been something.  Taluc
to me, though, is the safest.

ANGLE ON LISA
She is walking through the interior of the airport.

LISA
But despite these security rumors,
our undercover news people were unable
to smuggle a fake cache of weapons onto
Taluc’s commercial flights.

In the background, a SECURITY GUARD spots Lisa and approaches her.

LISA (CONT’D)
And although on the surface, this building
may appear to be old and its management
archaic.  Taluc airport remains as one of
the most secure in the country, if not the—

SECURITY GUARD
Excuse me, you’re not allowed in here.
(grabbing camera)  Turn that off, please.
How’d you get in here?

The camera is pushed to the ground and goes off.