Your Fratoscope: December 9, 2012
on December 9, 2012 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: You will wake up in the hospital after opening birthday gifts. That’s what you get for shaking the homemade nitroglycerin your cousin made you.
Aries: The ghost of Abe Vigoda will appear to you and explain he’s not dead.
Taurus: Space aliens will land in your back yard and ask if you want to have first contact. When you say yes, they molest you.
Gemini: You will punch a rabbit, but he had it coming.
Lemini: This week, you won’t need shoes. Dead people don’t need lots of things.
Cancer: Lex Luthor will carjack you in a parking lot. Admittedly, this isn’t his most brilliant evil plan, but it’s one of them.
Leo: You will find a AA battery in your breakfast cereal. Don’t bite down.
Virgo: Your next conference call will end in a fistfight. Make sure you have plenty of gas in your car.
Libra: Burger King will tell you that your way is wrong.
Scorpio: Turns out, your spouse wasn’t dropping sexual clues to follow, he was just suggesting restaurants. Apparently you had all that waiter sex for nothing.
Sagittarius: Puff the Magic Dragon will see you in a vision and say, “Oh, man, I so high right now.”
Capricorn: The stars say, stop calling or the stars will get a restraining order.
Aquarius: You will discover using duct tape to remove public hair is effective but painful.
Pisces: The zombies you befriend this week will betray. Better just shoot everyone to be safe.