Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  You will be carjacked by a fat man with a white beard and a red suit.  He’ll insist that he has to get back to his workshop in two weeks or there won’t be any meth in time for Christmas.

Aries:  You will have an exotic meal made of insects because you won’t notice the cockroaches in your hamburger.

Taurus:  Billy the Exterminator will come to your house and force you to leave.  On the up side, he does free you in a nice section of woods.

Gemini:  Your robot is hanging out with the wrong crowd and breaking curfew.  Time to reboot.

Lemini:  The stars say, check that mole.  The stars don’t like the looks of it.

Cancer:  You will see your couch on Storage Wars.  Guess you did forget to lock the door.

Leo:  You will be emailed a picture of the penis of the guy that stole your iPhone.

Virgo:  Let up on your boss, he’s under a lot of stress because he’s been asked to fire you.

Libra:  Your Christmas shopping ends abruptly when the security guard finds what you stuck under your coat.

Scorpio:  Sex with one of Santa’s Elves at the mall won’t be magical, but you will get a free Orange Julius afterwards.

Sagittarius:  Your souffle gains sentience and begins you not to eat it.  Later, it will complain and take up too much room in your fridge.

Capricorn:  Hugh Jackman will challenge you to a game of Call of Duty Black Ops II.  You’ll beat him, but no one will believe you.  C’mon, he’s Wolverine, dude.

Aquarius:  Asking the pizza guy to draw a picture on the inside of your box turns out to be a bad idea.  Although his picture is awesome, the spray paint he uses for the graffiti gets all over your extra cheese and mushroom.

Pisces:  You will rock the Christmas party, if by “rock” you mean eat all the free shrimp appetizers.