Your Fratoscope: January 20, 2013
on January 20, 2013 at 12:13 am
If your birthday is this week: Your Zero Dark Thirty themed birthday party ends with you being waterboarded with cake.
Aries: The stars say, “Seriously? You’re still reading horoscopes and claim to be an atheist? Do you not see anything wrong with that?”
Taurus: The next milkshake you have will be made with caulk. That’s why you shouldn’t go to Lowes for milkshakes.
Gemini: Your chocolate hamburger experiment will not be successful, but your kitchen will smell great for the week after.
Lemini: A clerk will tell you that he has you down for 2013 in the store death pool when you go to buy a carton of cigarettes.
Cancer: You’ll discover that the gypsy who told your fortune is heightening the odds by hiding man-eating jaguars in your car.
Leo: You will finally sell that ornery jaguar you inherited to a desperate gypsy.
Virgo: This week, you’ll discover you’re not a werewolf, just a hairy cannibal.
Libra: You’ll discover that that bag of terrible tasting raw almonds was actually a bag of rabbit turds.
Scorpio: You’ll forget your safety word, but the chafing will be worth it.
Sagittarius: You will find that someone has ironically filled your monkey mascot costume with actual live monkeys.
Capricorn: You will find a message at the bottom of your can of soup. It will say, “You probably shouldn’t have eaten this.”
Aquarius: You attempt at paintball gun control backfires and you will leave the meeting covered in bright green and blue splotches.
Pisces: You will find out replacing the steering wheel of your car with an Xbox controller is very dangerous, but you do make it to places in record time.
