Your Fratoscope: January 27, 2013
on January 27, 2013 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: As a joke, your terrorists friends get you one of those giant, round, black bombs with the fuse on the top. They think it’s hilarious, but seriously, be careful with that thing.
Aries: Your interview on Piers Morgan devolves into an intense argument over who is wearing better pants.
Taurus: The stars say, they were watching TV this week and totally forgot to predict your future. They say just pick one of the old predictions at random, they’re all pretty much the same. Lazy stars.
Gemini: You will discover that your bong is a time machine that takes you to one hour into a future where all the Doritos are gone.
Lemini: This week, the cafeteria will be serving tuna hoagies instead of Salisbury steak. That’s not much of a prediction, but you’re not leading much of a life anyway.
Cancer: Sex with a Leo will be mysterious and intriguing and by “intriguing” we mean “fast” and by “mysterious” we mean “anonymous in a mens bathroom”.
Leo: You’ll bang some chick in a bathroom when you’re both drunk.
Virgo: Your dart game will end with a visit to the ER. Maybe it’s time to get your eyes checked.
Libra: Your roommate is getting increasingly paranoid. Maybe it’s time to ask him to stop booby trapping the mayonnaise.
Scorpio: You will masturbate to a Leo and Cancer having sex in the next bathroom stall.
Sagittarius: The stars didn’t have time to predict anything for you either. The stars have been having a lot of problems recent and has been drinking and fighting with the stars’ mother. Let’s just not get into it, okay?!
Capricorn: You’ll find love with the next person that uses your parking space, but it’ll be too awkward to get out of your car and talk to them because by then you’ll have no place to park.
Aquarius: For the last time, the Mayan calendar thing was bullshit. Stop peeing in a bucket and come out of your basement already.
Pisces: You’ll be invited to a support group to face your caffeine addiction, but halfway through the first meeting you’ll all go to Starbucks and say, “Fuck that shit.”
