Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  You won’t remember much, but don’t worry, the police report you get at the end of the week fills in the blanks.

Aries:  You will take out a restraining order against a flying baby with a bow and arrow.

Taurus:  The stars say, don’t park there, take the spot down the block.

Gemini:  Your week will be full of romance, if you consider a pack of wild dogs humping you romantic.

Lemini:  You’re going to Surf City, gonna have some fun.  Yeah, you’re going to Surf City, cause it’s still the one.

Cancer:  This week, your Internet connection will be so slow, that mail and newspapers will seem relevant.

Leo:  You’ll be halfway finished digging out your driveway if you live anywhere in the Northeast this week.  Otherwise, you’ll go to the movies.

Virgo:  The bookies come for your Super Bowl bet, but your booby traps are not as hilarious as they were in Home Alone.  But they are funnier than Home Alone II.

Libra:  Your entry in Wikipedia will be changed to the definition of douchebag.

Scorpio:  The stars say, the frostbite on your genitals will be worth the sex in the snow.

Sagittarius:  You’ll post this link on Reddit geting upvotes from stoned college students and down votes from the ones not getting laid.

Capricorn:  You’ll get a flat tire, but that’s what happens when you drive through the wall of a supermarket.

Aquarius:  Your Valentine’s Day gift escapes the day before Valentine’s Day, but that’s okay.  The scorpion probably can’t get out of the apartment.

Pisces:  While eating a delicious gourmet hot dog, you will get nasty looks from a squirrel.