Your Easter Fratoscope
on March 31, 2013 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: Your friends come over to celebrate, but all you can think about is how you’re missing the Season 3 premiere of A Game of Thrones.
Aries: The Easter Bunny leaves you plenty of candy, but steals some of your weed.
Taurus: You will fart very loudly during the middle of Mass and you’ll realize barging into a church to ask for directions was a bad idea.
Gemini: You find all the eggs missed in your Easter Egg hunt while mowing the lawn.
Lemini: This week, you get a surprise. Diabetes!
Cancer: The stars say, making an Easter Bunny out of the dust bunnies in your place is not cute, it’s disgusting.
Leo: Your imitation of Jesus will not go over well. Especially with the people trying to eat at the P.F. Chang’s.
Virgo: You will have your childhood shattered today as the Easter Bunny will admit that he’s also the Trix Rabbit.
Libra: You will spend Easter as you always do, counting down the seconds til midnight when the all-night CVS lowers the candy prices.
Scorpio: You discover that Easter Sex is pretty much just sex with someone’s testicles brightly painted.
Sagittarius: The stars say, stop saying “Ho, ho, ho” you jackass.
Capricorn: Your family continues the Passover tradition of arguing for the rest of the week.
Aquarius: Your Easter pizza will arrive covered in eggs and chocolate as requested.
Pisces: You will host an awesome Easter Dinner despite the lack of robots.