Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  Throw your birthday cake through the window and get down.  Then never order from the Al Qeada Bakery again.

Aries:  Your right nipple will itch this week.

Taurus:  Your YouTube parody of Breaking Bad causes Bryan Cranston to come to your house and beat the shit out of you in character.

Gemini:  You will be mugged by a mime.  Fortunately, he only gets your mime wallet.

Lemini:  You will be sexually molested by one of the exhibits in the petting zoo.

Cancer:  Your GPS will lead you to drive into an Olympic sized swimming pool.

Leo:  Your “special” garden will be discovered by the cops.  Maybe you shouldn’t have buried all those dead hobos under all that weed.

Virgo:  A judge will tell you that he would’ve dismissed the streaking charges if you hadn’t taken a shit on second base.

Libra:  Your ideal for a video game about waiting in line at the DMV is bought by EA Games.

Scorpio:  You will make sweet love in your car, but the car wash worker still won’t give you a discount on the detailing.

Sagittarius:  You will find out your neighbor is not have loud sex in the next apartment, he just likes to punch the wall while he’s watching porn at top volume.

Capricorn:  Turns out, that meth addict was a wizard and he grants you three wishes.  Unfortunately, he is still a meth addict, so all the wishes just get you more meth.

Aquarius:  Your roommate will call out your name the next time he masturbates.

Pisces:  You will have your cake and eat it too.  Mostly, it’s because you’re drunk and someone dares you to eat vomit.