Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  You will be the oldest “kid” every to have a birthday at Chuck E. Cheese, but the youngest one to go home with hot restaurant manager.

Aries:  You will see what you think is the seventh sign of the apocalypse, but it turns out your roommate murdered a flock of pigeons in your living room.

Taurus:  The stars say, shave off all the hair on your body…or don’t.  Seriously, the stars don’t care.

Gemini:  Your cat will hide your socks.  He’s been fucking with you for weeks.

Lemini:  You won’t have to worry about that blood you coughed up.  Turns out, that’s natural when you’ve been stabbed in throat.

Cancer:  Your monkey will run up your cable bill watching HBO demand.

Leo:  After drinking beer all week, you discover that you have a problem.  You’re out of beer.

Virgo:  Some astronauts will stop by your house and try to sell you on a raffle to make money for a new Space Shuttle.

Libra:  You will be forced to abandon some underwear on a date.  You might not want to fart quite so freely next time.

Scorpio:  You will discover that your Chinese tattoo says, “Overpriced whore”.

Sagittarius:  Your imaginary butler goes on strike.

Capricorn:  Your microwave burrito will gain sentience and you’ll discover just how tasty sentience is on a burrito.

Aquarius:  This week, someone will borrow your butt cheek pants and return them without washing.

Pisces:  You will discover that it’s the models that get nude at an art class, not the students.