Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  Bill Clinton will come to your birthday party and it will be awesome.  Just don’t leave him alone with your mom in the laundry room.

Aries:  The stars say, stop crying.  Game of Thrones is just a show.

Taurus:  Someone will steal your bike and replace it with an exact duplicate, so you never realize.

Gemini:  Clean out your car.  It’s disgusting.

Lemini:  The next person that borrows a pen from you, will attempt to stab you with it so, heads up.

Cancer:  A three-toed sloth will break into your apartment and eat all your pudding.  He’ll leave a note vowing to pay you back someday, but he won’t.  He’s addicted to meth.

Leo:  No one will believe your excuses for why you’re literally spying on everyone in America.

Virgo:  This week, you’ll finally vow to stop breaking wind every time someone in the office says, “I think there’s a storm coming.”

Libra:  Your ventriloquist dummy will come to life and demand health insurance.

Scorpio:  You’ll have sex with the guy that checks your electric meter, which will be awkward, because the mailman you had sex with last week will walk in on you.

Sagittarius:  While delivering the mail, you’ll get a surprise.

Capricorn:  The prize in your box of Crackerjacks will be an uninspired 27 cents.

Aquarius:  You will get some great LSD from your driving instructor right before the final test.

Pisces:  You’ll go to three birthday parties, eat too much cake and update your websites two hours late.