Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday prostitute will have to be returned.  Unfortunately, she has no receipt.

Aries:  You’ll get together with your hipster friends and do some hipster bullshit.

Taurus:  The stars say get drunk, you’re way more fuckable that way.

Gemini:  Your mail order marmoset business will be a failure, since not of the monkeys will  willingly get inside the free shipping boxes Fed Ex uses.

Lemini:  Your marmoset order arrives late and extremely angry.

Cancer:  The Pillsbury Dough Boy will visit your place.  You’ll discover he’s quite delicious when stuff with cheese and baked.

Leo:  Someone with strike you with a better cellphone than the one you are currently using.

Virgo:  You’re next dinner is on the house because they don’t make prisoners pay for their own meals.

Libra:  A long, lost relative returns to borrow your car.

Scorpio:  You prove that there is sex in the champagne room.

Sagittarius:  You’ll watch several Internet advertisements and then forget what YouTube video you were trying to watch.

Capricorn:  A campus security guard will beat you by mistake and then attempt to apologize by buying you a cake.

Aquarius:  Your doctor starts the next visit by looking surprised and saying, “You’re still alive?”

Pisces:  This week, you’ll experience ennui while in a drive thru.