Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  Your family and the NSA will wish you a happy birthday via email.

Aries:  You will accidentally murder the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee, but c’mon, he’s a bug.

Taurus:  Your barbecue roadkill will taste delicious, but give everyone parasites.

Gemini:  Your Beanie Baby collection is still worthless.  Sorry.

Lemini:  The stars say, your massage will end with an unhappy ending.

Cancer:  You will discover that your investment in a British porn company was ill timed.

Leo:  You will develop a silly accent that will prevent you from properly pronouncing the word “slacks”.

Virgo:  This week, someone will mow obscenities into your front lawn.

Libra:  Your neighbor will admit he’s been watching you shower, but that things have grown stale and he can no longer masturbate to you.

Scorpio:  You’ll finally confess to your Libra neighbor.

Sagittarius:  You’ll discover that your girlfriend his your cocaine in the bread crumbs after eating some breaded chicken and staying up for three days.

Capricorn:  You will share an awkward elevator ride with Mickey Rourke.

Aquarius:  You will glue your hand to something awesome this week.

Pisces:  You’ll finally discover that one thing that will pay your bills and change your life…a job!