Your Fratoscope: September 29, 2013
on September 29, 2013 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: Co-workers will throw you an awesome birthday party, mostly as an excuse to eat cake and not work.
Aries: Your attempt to use your dog as a bong results in some serious dog bites on your face and nasty burns on his anus.
Taurus: You’ll walk out of the photography store with your new camera and Kanye West beats the shit out of you.
Gemini: Your roommate labels all the food and toiletries, which doesn’t stop you from eating and using them.
Lemini: The stars say, buckle up. You’re in for a wild ride. Mostly because you’ll be driving off an embankment.
Cancer: You will download a new and convenient app to keep track of all your phobias and then become afraid of it.
Leo: The NSA will re-address all your emails to read: “To: Lunkhead” just because they can.
Virgo: You will eat a hoagie which contains mostly sliced squirrel. It’s delicious.
Libra: After assassinating your neighbor’s pet squirrel, you’ll find a perfect way to dispose of the body in your deli.
Scorpio: You’ll discover that having sex with the person who sells you Lottery tickets doesn’t increase your odds of winning, but does increase your odds of getting crabs.
Sagittarius: This week, you’ll have some candy. That’s pretty might the highlight of the week. But it is good candy.
Capricorn: You will come to the realization that you will never own as nice a pair of slacks as you do now.
Aquarius: You will finally track down the department store Santa that told you, you’d always be an obsessive little shit when you were six.
Pisces: You will be rejected by all the prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto V.