Super Frat

When it comes to movies, I gotta watch what I spend.  There’s so many films, it’s easier to cross ones off your list ahead of time to thin the herd. Here now is why I’m not seeing these movies.

Captain Phillips:  This only happened four years ago.  Although it’s probably a well-made flick, if I really want to find out about real events, I’ll watch a documentary.

Runner Runner:  AKA: Handsome dudes fight each other.  Hey Timberlake and Affleck, I don’t care if you want a quick vacation on the studio’s dime, but don’t make me watch it.  Pass.

Baggage Claim:  These kinds of romantic comedies do nothing for me.  They build upon a weak premise and usually have a ending I can see coming from a mile away.  Choo-choo!  Here comes the ending!  Woo-woo!  See it coming down the tracks?!

Carrie:  Eh.  They made this movie.  I wasn’t even all that interested in seeing it the first time.  I mean, do we really need to spend this kind of money on something that’s already been done?  Moving on.

The Fifth Estate:  When the guy you’re playing writes a letter telling you the book it’s based on is a lie, well, you be the judge.  Following the real life WikiLeaks is far more interesting, despite the lead’s considerable talent.

Escape Plan:  In the 80’s, this probably would’ve been one of the biggest movies ever made.  Now it just looks kind of sad.  I’ll wait for Netflix.

Bad Grandpa:  As much as I love the Jackass movies, this looks kinda lame to me.  I mean, I get it, but I’m not sure what will even be real.  It feels like a reality show.   To me, the whole point of the Jackass movies were that the guys in them were at least aware of what they were doing.  They were just trying to entertain you and not trying to be clever.  I don’t think I can take two hours of a bit they did for two minutes in Jackass.

Free Birds:  Is there a new animation factory somewhere churning out cartoon movies based on one-sentence pitches?  Pixar is so awesome, but now every studio thinks they can do the same thing.  Eh.

Last Vegas:  Old guys do the Hangover.  Not a chance.  Pass.

The Hunger Games:  Catching Fire:  Unless I hear Jennifer Lawrence is doing full frontal nudity, there is no chance in Hell I’m sitting through another two hours of this.  Fucking Christ.  I’d like to go back in time and erase the Twilight Books and all their teenage literary bretheren out of existence.  And then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t have to sit through commercials for the Tomorrow People either.

Old Boy:  The original Old Boy is brilliantly messed up film.  I don’t know what Spike Lee is thinking.  I’d bet good money they’ll have to change the shocking ending for American audiences, but that’s the whole point really, so why bother remaking it at all, I say.

Sigh.  Maybe I’ll just go see This is the End again.