Your Fratoscope: November 3, 2013
on November 3, 2013 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: Your birthday cake will be a part of a completely unbalanced breakfast, you fat fuck.
Aries: You will awaken from your candy coma and find that someone has stolen your Mario Brothers costume. It’s probably for the best.
Taurus: You will correct your boss at a meeting, but you’re totally right and totally fired.
Gemini: Turns out, Costco doesn’t have a valet, you’ve just been robbed by a very well-dressed and polite carjacker.
Lemini: This week, your money woes will be over just like everyone else that ends up in a morgue.
Cancer: You will win a spontaneous eating contest, but the people passing out samples in the mall food court have you thrown out anyway.
Leo: Justin Bieber will call you a douchebag, so it must be true.
Virgo: The stars say, don’t park in the first spot you see, at least drive to the front to see if anyone’s leaving.
Libra: You might still be sick because everyone in your office keeps asking why you didn’t take your zombie costume off from Halloween.
Scorpio: You will sex up a Pilgrim and finally get to unbuckle one of those hats.
Sagittarius: Don’t debate the next parakeet you see. He’s a ringer put there by the pet store to impress walk-ins.
Capricorn: The judge will excuse you from jury duty, mostly because you keep giggling every time someone says “duty”.
Aquarius: You will discover that you can’t get Kickstarter to buy you a pizza.
Pisces: The ghost of an Apollo astronaut will tell you in a dream where the secret moon gold is buried.