Super Frat

The holidays are a time to get with families, open presents, eat lots of food and then go to the movies when you realize there’s nothing to do.  I am a picky movie goer and admission isn’t getting any cheaper.  Here now is Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies: Holiday 2013 Edition.

Lone Survivor:  Oh, good.  I was wondering where I could see a two hour commercial for joining the military.  Marky-Mark shooting people?  Yeah, never seen that before.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty:  …is not much of a secret, seeing how old the story is and how much is given away in the trailer.  But hey, if you have an urgent need to see Ben Stiller and Kristen Wiig be only moderately funny…

Justin Bieber’s Believe:  I believe I will never see this.  Now if he puts in some of those Brazilian whores he’s allegedly fond of, then maybe.

Grudge Match:  Seriously?  How many boxing movies must Stallone make?  Is it in his contract that he needs to be in boxing gloves at least five times a movie or something?  Uh, no.

August: Osage County:  Sounds boring, looks boring and you won’t see me in the theater unless I lose a bet to the Missus.

Saving Mr. Banks:  No, a thousand times, no Disney.  You can’t have my money.  How many more movies about making movies are they going to make?  What next?  “The Making of Saving Mr. Banks?”  Or how about “The Making of, the Making of Saving Mr. Banks?” in another 30 years!  Maybe just stick cameras in studio execs offices right now!  After all, rich people are SO fascinating to themselves, why not sell it to the rest of us poor schlubs in flyover country?  Yeah, that’s the ticket!

One Chance:  Oh, good!  A movie about a TV show!  Now there’s original thinking!

Ride Along:  Is there any more evidence that Hollywood is one big conveyor belt of “names” and “brands” than Ice Cube movies?  Now he’s a cop.  Let me type that again.  The former member of NWA plays an old, crotchety cop.  As much as I like Kevin Hart and want to see him succeed, I can’t.  I just can’t.

I have to stop here.  Thankfully, Martin Scorsese and Peter Jackson gave me some hope this holiday.