Your First 2014 Fratoscope
on January 5, 2014 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: You flight will be delayed for a fourth time, but you will build a new life in the airport next to the Sbarro.
Aries: You will throw your soup out the window and it will harden in time to impale a squirrel.
Taurus: While shoveling snow, you will uncover that pizza and the pizza delivery man you called yesterday.
Gemini: The stars say, don’t pee outside. No one likes pee-sicles.
Lemini: Your hangover finally ends on Thursday. That was a sweet party, bro!
Cancer: Santa arrives, but when he sees you’ve gotten rid of your tree already, he throws up his hands and says, “Fuck this!”
Leo: Frosty the Snowman bangs on your front door and begs you for another layer of jackets.
Virgo: Your plane will be delayed again and you’ll be stuck in Jamaica for another three days. Maybe you shouldn’t’ve told off the hotel staff on your way out.
Libra: You will be haunted by a ghost who will leave a very minty smell everywhere.
Scorpio: You will finally achieve an orgasm in below zero temperatures.
Sagittarius: This week, you and your boss will huddle for warmth and you’ll finally get that raise.
Capricorn: You will discover that pretzel furniture is not designed to hold your weight.
Aquarius: You will get a summons for jury doodie and have to take a shit in your local courthouse bathroom. You will be paid $5 for this.
Pisces: Your homemade stromboli will be delicious, but your homemade sex lube, not so much.