Super Frat

I’m sorry, bros.  It’s that time.  Time to look at what’s upcoming and theaters and say, “Fuck you, I have Netflix and six dollar popcorn can suck it.”  Here now is another installment of Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies.

22 Jump Street:  Call me when Jonah Hill is fat again.  Until then, no.

Think Like a Man Too:  Okay.  A man would probably not see this movie.

Transformers: Age of Extinction:  You’re reading a column by one of the foremost, biggest Transformers fans.  I had the cardboard standee to the animated movie.  I love these characters.  But no, I’m not seeing this.  The second movie was so insulting, I can’t risk losing that many points of intelligence by going into the theater.  Transform into a different movie, I say!

Fast and Furious 7:  I’d be too confused, as I have not see the previous six movies.  The complicated plot would completely befuddle me.  Good luck, CGI Paul Walker.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes:  No.

Sex Tape:  AKA: Let’s extend a sitcom plot 90 minutes.  I wish Cameron Diaz would go back to just being hot.

Planes: Fire and Rescue:  No: No and No.

Jupiter Ascending:  The Wachowskis are back, but before they do a movie—  I think they need to release a 90 minute apology for The Matrix II and III.

Fifty Shades of Grey:  Fifty Shades of No Fucking Way.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:  The guy that made the Battle of Los Angeles and Wrath of the Titans is directing this.  If that’s not enough to shrink your cinema boner, then you are a sadist.

The Expendables 3:  Sorry, I’d rather watch YouTube videos of things blowing up.  The plot and dialogue are better.

I can’t take anymore.  Hopefully, I can survive another cinema Summer of Suck.