Twitter in Focus: Jason L. Voorhees
on May 28, 2014 at 12:01 amHey Bros!
Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die. Today’s contestant is that hockey masked, murderer from Crystal Lake, Jason L. Voorhees. I’ve always suspected he had lots to say and since he can’t speak, he tweets. Let’s see what he’s tweeting.
May 22nd: “My machete scares all the girls from the yard, ‘Cause they’re like, it’s metal and large, Damn right, it’s metal and large…”
That’s copyright infringement, but then again, who would be crazy enough to sue?
May 22nd: “OMFG. I hate hippies. I just killed a few and now my machete smells like patchouli and failure. So fucking gross.”
Jason may be related to Erik Cartman.
May 23rd: “Since Friday The 13th is so close, I’m taking this weekend off. So all you fuckers, go buck wild. It’s all good. Or maybe I’m fibbin’.”
Ha! Nice try!
May 23rd: “Everybody Lives – REM #MakeASongDepressing”
“Losing my Machete”, “Don’t Go Back to Crystal Lake” and “It’s the End of the Movie and I Know (And No One Else Dies)”.
May 23rd: “My favorite sexual position? Banging bitches in sleeping bags up against trees. #classicme”
Okay, what’s the “L” stand for? I’m guessing “Larry”, because it rhymes with scary.
May 23rd: “Hehehe. I’m a little stinker sometimes. http://www.adventuresinpoortaste.com/2012/01/23/the-top-5-meanest-things-jason-voorhees-has-ever-done/ …”
What? How can they not mention squeezing that dude’s head in Jason 3-D? Of course, I was meaner, throwing grapes into the crowd.
May 23rd: “I’m more of a deep cutter than deep thinker… but what’evs. pic.twitter.com/jWNhiGj72Z“
You always were the thinking man’s maniac.
May 23rd: “If you’re thinking of interesting summer destinations, this one’s killer. pic.twitter.com/gO6FLYQfNq“
I remember when Leatherface freed the slaves and then killed them.
56 minutes ago: “17 days until Friday The 13th. I’m taking extra stalks around the lake to get ready. Man am I slow. So very very slow. Or am I?”
Sure, until it goes to a close up.
50 minutes ago: “A wise man once said… . How the fuck should I know. No wise man ever set foot in Camp Crystal Lake.”
That’s why you never see old people there.
Okay, let’s rate Jason’s tweets. Good stuff. I mean, for a psychotic, supernatural murderer, he tweets some pretty interesting stuff. Behind the scenes, a few jokes— If he could talk, he wouldn’t be such a bad guy until he killed you. I give Jason an 8 for Style, an 8 for Mustness and a 10 for Insanity. That’s an overall score of 8.6, but hey, he’s also a moviestar, so I will round up to 9. Follow Jason, before he follows you.
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