Super Frat

There are a lot of movies coming out this summer.  Who could possibly see them all?  Not me.  Not at the current price of popcorn.  It’s time to get picky.  It’s time for another installment of Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies.

Third Person:  Three interlocking love stories involving three couples in three cities: Rome, Paris, and…zzzzzzzz….

Transformers: Age of Extinction:  If you haven’t jumped off the Michael Bay train yet for this franchise, I have to salute you.  I am a hardcore Transformers fan and even I bailed after the second movie.  Can’t see how it would be better with Mark Wahlberg.

Deliver Us From Evil:  You know, when a horror movie says “based on a true story” and it’s about mass possession in New York, I think to myself, “When did that happen?  Shouldn’t I have heard about that on the news?”  So what’s the “true” part of this?  That New York has a zoo?  Pass.

And So It Goes:  It’s nice to see movies for the AARP crowd, but no, not for me.

Sex Tape:  What used to be a sitcom plot now gets stretched for 90 minutes?  Are you fucking kidding me?

Step It Up:  All In:  I would rather be tied to a chair while the producers of this movie flung their own feces at me than sit through this.

Underdogs:  AKA: Cartoon Movie #148.  Even the trailers for these things are getting tired.  I rather watch Up again.

Maze Runner:  I call bullshit on any story that involves it’s main characters having amnesia.  It’s just a cheap, rookie maneuver designed to waste a bunch of time, rather to get to a story.  Fuck this movie and all like it.

The Equalizer:  WTF?  What do L.A. producers do all day?  Do they just sit around watching old television shows and then point to the screen and mutter, “That.” to their assistants?  Jesus.  I used to watch this show.  I’d feel dirty going to see this.  And Denzel Washington?  Really?  Are there no better scripts floating around Hollywood?  Jesus Christ, someone call me.  I will send you my worst, fucking screenplay and I know it will better.

The Boxtrolls:  Okay, I have to stop before I punch my computer screen.  Writing this column is just making me too angry.  Christ on high, no!  A thousand times, no!