Your Fratoscope: August 17, 2014
on August 17, 2014 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: Your birthday cake will be molded in the shape of what you love most: a cake.
Aries: Your attempt at authentic Texas BBQ is uncovered when your dinner guests find the Arby wrappers.
Taurus: The stars say, isn’t about time you stop believing in horoscopes and start calling the psychic hotline like a normal person?
Gemini: The man at the Home Depot will assure you that building a robot wife will require more PVC pipe than is currently in stock.
Lemini: Totally shitty week coming up, just like every other week.
Cancer: Your affair with your Gemini neighbor’s robot wife is uncovered after your allergy to PVC pipe gives you away.
Leo: The voice at the McDonald’s Drive Thru will yell far more threats of violence than is normal for ordering a bacon cheeseburger.
Virgo: Your 4th level Elf Ranger dies from a hit from an Orc despite his +2 Mace and +1 Ring of Protection.
Libra: Someone on Xbox Live calls you a well-mannered fellow that’s pleasant to talk to.
Scorpio: Banging that pastry chef only gets you a 10% discount on danishes. Next time, have sex with the Sous Chef.
Sagittarius: Although that valet appears courteous, he rubs his balls all over your steering wheel for no reason while you’re at dinner.
Capricorn: The others valet think you don’t have the guts to complete a dare, but you’ll show ’em!
Aquarius: Kevin Spacey will star in your parody video about House of Cards just for the exposure and a package of Twinkies.
Pisces: Your dog will whisper the secrets of the Universe to you, but you’ll be too busy screaming about the steaming pile she left on the carpet.
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