Your Back to School Fratoscope
on September 7, 2014 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: Congrats! You have an excuse to get totally wasted at Orientation!
Aries: Your new roommate is a drug addict, but on the up side, you’ll get to know the many pawn shops in your college town.
Taurus: You will realize that your major is a complete waste of time, which is why it’s okay to be drunk most of this year.
Gemini: You will take just enough economic classes this year to realize how badly in debt you really are.
Lemini: Your guidance counselor will not totally rule out suicide for you.
Cancer: The stars say, don’t worry too much about impressing your new professors, you’re going to drop out next year anyway.
Leo: You will meet your future ex-wife this week.
Virgo: You will recognize your new R.A. as the guy you also buy pot from.
Libra: You will uncover a secret wall in your room that’s stuffed entirely with Ramen Noodle packages.
Scorpio: Your new professor will give you something no other professor before has given you; chlamydia.
Sagittarius: Don’t buy any text books this year, the library has them all and you don’t study anyway.
Capricorn: This week, stock up on deodorant because your classes are early and not showering gives you another 20 minutes of sleep.
Aquarius: The stars say, get into your dorm room bathroom early on the first day and you can enjoy a pee-free floor for the only time all year!
Pisces: Congrats! Your request for a single on campus is granted because no one likes you!