Your Fratoscope: October 19, 2014
on October 19, 2014 at 2:32 amIf your birthday is this week: You older aunt will give you a pair of very comfortable underwear with a racist saying on it. You decide to wear it and vow to shit your pants should you ever get into a car accident and have your clothes cut off by an EMT.
Aries: You have respect for the elderly, so you will tip the day time strippers fives instead of ones.
Taurus: You will make millions inventing a “Douchebag Detector App”, but then lose it all after smart phones overload and explode at Justin Beiber concerts.
Gemini: This week, volcanoes will be lucky for you, assuming you avoid the lava.
Lemini: You’ll be cursed by a mummy and he’ll cockblock you for all eternity.
Cancer: The stars say, it’s never too early to start trick or treating, especially if you’re already a beggar.
Leo: You’ll have some keys made, but your neighbor will demand that you make the keys for the locks in your own house.
Virgo: You will confirm that the paperboy is trying to kill you, but you insist on doing your crossword puzzle every day.
Libra: This week, you’ll tap a hole right through your iPad.
Scorpio: Trojan will finally create the condom flavor you’ve been petitioning for: Semen.
Sagittarius: You’ll find the Halloween stash and start eating it. Fuck those Trick or Treaters.
Capricorn: Your homemade car falls apart at a toll booth and you have to pay anyway.
Aquarius: Your idea for “Breakfast in a Can” stirs interest with the Jimmy Dean execs, until you tell them it’s just a Bloody Mary.
Pisces: You will spot some guys in hazmat suits and rush home to cover yourself in hand sanitizer.
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