Your Fratoscope: November 16, 2014
on November 16, 2014 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: Your car gives you a birthday surprise trip to the woods by suddenly careening off the road unexpectedly.
Aries: Your lotto numbers are 12, 28, 29, 37 and bees. Mostly it’s bees because a hive has grown inside the ping pong ball machine.
Taurus: You decide against popcorn at the movie theater, leaving only your soda cup to stick your penis through the bottom.
Gemini: Don’t put that pen in your mouth, you don’t want to know where your co-worker’s been sticking it.
Lemini: The judge will rule in favor of you punching that toddler.
Cancer: Aquaman will stop by your place, check it for “evil octopi” and then try to charge you a $4 service fee.
Leo: The stars say, be patient or be doctor, either way. (Stars grammar no so good.)
Virgo: A potential work love interest turns out to be someone that just wants to steal your office supplies.
Libra: Gordon Ramsey will stop by to scream at you while you make yourself a sandwich.
Scorpio: Your K-Y storage tank ruptures and drowns your neighbor’s dog.
Sagittarius: You try to pass that bill in Congress, but it’s blocked by the fact that you’re not in Congress.
Capricorn: You will be haunted by the Classified Section of a daily newspaper.
Aquarius: Your future self will arrive to warn you about something, then just sit on your couch and get high.
Pisces: Your cholesterol level is now equal to your IQ, which means you’re either a dead genius or a live moron.