Your Christmas Fratoscope
on December 21, 2014 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: You’ll find mommy kissing Santa Claus deep, with lots of tongue.
Aries: It’s pasty, white and thick, but don’t drink it. That ain’t egg nog! Ewwwww!
Taurus: A guy in a red suit comes down your chimney, but he takes the flat screen and makes a run for it out you front door.
Gemini: Some green douchebag attempts to steal your roast beast, but you knock him unconscious and call the cops in time.
Lemini: Your grandma will get run over by a reindeer and some sick fuck will write a song glorifying her death.
Cancer: You’ll find a drunken Elf passed out inside one of your gift boxes. Apparently, your iPad’s still at the North Pole.
Leo: Your Christmas ornaments come to life and scream, “Oh, God! We have hooks through our faces! The agony! Ahhhh!”
Virgo: The pot cookies you baked for Santa means that no one past the Eastern Seaboard gets presents before January.
Libra: You will spend Friday shoveling reindeer shit off your roof.
Scorpio: The mistletoe tattoo over your genitals does not go over well at the office Christmas party.
Sagittarius: Your Christmas shopping is quick, but only because you buy everything at a gas station on December 24th.
Capricorn: It’s a rough flight for Santa, so your stocking is mostly full of elf vomit.
Aquarius: Frosty the Snowman comes to life, pins you to the ground, pees you and screams, “How do you like it?!”
Pisces: You will be visited by three entertaining ghosts: Moe, Larry and Curly.
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