Your Fratoscope: December 28, 2014
on December 28, 2014 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: People are going to pull that bullshit where you get one gift and try to say it counts as your Christmas gift too.
Aries: Unclench your cheeks, it’s just a fart and it’s dry.
Taurus: The stars say, your Porkpie hat is worse than your bald spot, hipster.
Gemini: For some reason, you’ll blow last year’s New Year’s Resolution this week.
Lemini: You’ll exchange code words and drop the package, but it turns out that was a homeless guy with a few lucky guesses.
Cancer: Santa will barge in mumbling, “Sorry-sorry. Fucking traffic.”
Leo: It will turn out that the supervisor you’ve been working for, doesn’t actually work for the company where you’re employed.
Virgo: You’ll run out of toilet paper and use coupon receipts for CVS instead.
Libra: James Franco will knock on your door and beg you to rent “The Interview”.
Scorpio: You’ll break last year’s New Year’s Resolution and have sex with several vegetables again.
Sagittarius: You will discover that throwing your old Christmas tree over the fence into your neighbor’s yard doesn’t work.
Capricorn: You’ll attempt to return a Christmas gift, but the clerk will insist that the salesman that sold it to you was imaginary.
Aquarius: This week, your boss will realize that your extremely sexy when you don’t work.
Pisces: The ghost of Abe Vigoda will appear and insist he’s not dead yet.
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