Your Fratoscope: January 25, 2015
on January 25, 2015 at 3:41 amIf your birthday is this week: Your mother hires a group of pirates to entertain your guests, but all they do is rip copies of all your DVD’s and leave.
Aries: The characters in your Simpsons iPad game will get together and tell you to take a break this week.
Taurus: Your instagram account will be hacked by a group of renegade Amish.
Gemini: Your GPS will snap at you and say, “Then you find the fucking restaurant!”
Lemini: Take your cellphone out of your pocket next time you masturbate or you’ll be face timing with your mom when you do it.
Cancer: Your Halloween pumpkins finally rot enough that they fall off the edge of your porch.
Leo: The stars say, use a coaster unless you want rings on your desk.
Virgo: You will develop male pattern baldness in your pubic hair.
Libra: Your pizza will be late, but for some reason, your soda arrives early.
Scorpio: Your computer will ask if it can delete some of your hentai.
Sagittarius: This week, you’ll be mugged by a priest who will insist God told him you were too much of a pussy to fight back.
Capricorn: You will discover that your Obamacare will cover cosmetic surgery if you look like you.
Aquarius: Don’t eat lunch, just keep your hands free because someone is going to throw a delicious sandwich at you!
Pisces: Your puppy will continue to pee on everything.
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