Your Fratoscope: March 1, 2015
on March 1, 2015 at 1:17 amIf your birthday is this week: The pizza delivery guy will wish you a happy birthday, but he will not stay for a slice. He will suggest you make more friends.
Aries: Your smart phone will alert you that it is full. If you’re not into Hentai and have no idea what it is, then it’s a virus. Otherwise, you have a different problem.
Taurus: The stars say, no one gives a shit what color that dress was so stop talking about it.
Gemini: The aliens that abduct you will allow you to tweet while you’re being anally probed, but no twit pics.
Lemini: Your parents decide to take a break and see other children, they assure you that it’s them and not you.
Cancer: You will have some cottage cheese after wandering home drunk, but discover later that it’s actually expired milk.
Leo: Your old football coach will call just to make sure you still don’t play for the Jets.
Virgo: Vladimir Putin will cut in line in front of you at the Cinnabon in the food court. You’ll let it go this time.
Libra: Your old Star Wars action figures will briefly come to life and ask you why didn’t you spend your money on getting laid.
Scorpio: Your line of sexually suggestive condiments sells well in Utah Wal Marts.
Sagittarius: The stars say, let yourself have a day off. Being an asshole 24/7 is exhausting.
Capricorn: You will be haunted by the ghost of your old dial up modem and it will take forever.
Aquarius: You will becomes friends with a matador who will send you free steaks.
Pisces: When life gives you lemons, why do you throw them at people from your car?