Your Fratoscope: May 3, 2015
on May 3, 2015 at 2:19 amIf your birthday is this week: Your birthday gifts consist mostly of comic books taken from Free Comic Book Day.
Aries: You discover that without pants, bike riding can be chilly and a bike seat can ride up way too far.
Taurus: Your trip to Baltimore is not worth the delicious crabcakes.
Gemini: You will take a dump in a very dark bathroom, then realize you’re in the toilet storage room at Lowes.
Lemini: Your sex doll comes to life and tells you that it wants to see other people.
Cancer: Your roommate labels all your food with his Sharpie, then rewraps it for freshness.
Leo: You will step on a Lego piece with your bare feet, then go to the hospital in an attempt to get morphine.
Virgo: The stars say, the next gloryhole you find in a public bathroom will be full of live wires.
Libra: You discover that giving your roommate a roofie is a quick way to steal all his beer and still claim that he drank it.
Scorpio: Don’t use that hang glider you bought at the yard sale. It’s mostly made of foam.
Sagittarius: You’ll learn to fart opera.
Capricorn: McDonald’s will request that you shit elsewhere.
Aquarius: The ghost of Peter Graves will appear and ask you if you like gladiator movies.
Pisces: You’ll take your third best shower of the year.