Your Mother’s Day Fratoscope
on May 10, 2015 at 1:12 amIf your birthday is this week: “Oh, sure,” your mother will say in her most passive aggressive voice. “Let’s celebrate your birthday. I only gave birth to you.”
Aries: You mom thanks you for the gift, but wishes you had consulted her before having her tattooed.
Taurus: The stars say, winning back mom in a poker game isn’t really enough of a gift for this week.
Gemini: A woman comes to you claiming to be your long lost adopted mother.
Lemini: Your mother will assure that her love will better serve you over a webcam than in person.
Cancer: Your mother tells you the best gift you can give her is your love and just two hours alone with the pool boy.
Leo: Return the tree and the tri-corner hat, you’ve got your holidays mixed up again.
Virgo: Your kitties all come when you call and you’re kind of like their mom, so that’s something.
Libra: Your mom drinks most of your whiskey and passes out on your floor, but hey, it’s her day.
Scorpio: This year, turn down the porn before calling your mother.
Sagittarius: You mother assures you in a text that she’s glad you’re one of her offspring. Whichever one you are.
Capricorn: Taking your mom to Yemen on Mother’s Day is a huge mistake, but at least you’ll have an interesting story if you survive.
Aquarius: Mom sends you another cryptic warning written on a dagger, time to change identities again.
Pisces: You mom asks a ton of questions during the Avengers movie and the comic book convention you take her to.